


His First Hell

by Bleck



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Child Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Heavy Angst, Minor Original Character(s), Past Child Abuse, autistic tobias, past bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-12-08 07:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11642277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleck/pseuds/Bleck
Summary: The fallout from book #23 The Pretender. Tobias is officially a missing child and, when missing children are found, they get returned home. The police have found Tobias.





	1. Identified

**Author's Note:**

> The first of I don't know how many chapters. I cannot promise a schedule of any kind but I can say chapters will be longer/up faster with comments.

<Uh, guys, we might have a problem.> Tobias said in thought speak, even though he was currently in his human morph. It was quicker than speaking now.

"What is it?" Jake asked, looking around for any known Controllers. It was possible since they were at The Gardens. Part amusement park, part zoo. There was a huge concert line up, and tickets had been half price, so they had all decided to go to relax from the stress of the last mission and the war in general. It was mostly Marco's idea.

<A cop of some kind. Coming towards us. Out of uniform. Or maybe a detective.> Tobias said, staring- his main expression even as a human- as the man approached.

"And how exactly do you know what cops look like out of uniform? Because I read a lot of spy books and I don't think I could do that." Marco said, looking for the man. But with so many people moving in different directions, it was impossible for him to tell.

"Is that important right now?" Tobias deflected.

"What do we do, Jake?" Cassie asked.

Before Jake could say run, the cop or maybe detective approached them. Jake thought he was somewhere in his early thirties maybe, or late twenties, and looked like any regular person really. In the back of his head he wondered how Tobias could tell. Jake gave each of them a look, stay cool it said.

"Hi. I'm a detective with the Youth Services division of the Sherrifs office." He said jovially, fishing out his badge and showing them all. Detective Richard Smith. "Cassie, I'm very glad that you seem to be doing well. I was one of the detectives working your case. Enjoy the concert and all that?"

"Yes, sir. We haven't been here very long but it's been fun." Cassie said, smiling. "Thank you for, uh, helping look for me."

"You're welcome although I can't say we did very much. For the best really. Sorry for the interruption, by the way. In my line of work, it means a lot to see the kids I see in a file out and about."

"That must be tough."

"Yes. It is. Uh, I'm sorry. What's your name, kiddo?" He asked, looking right at Tobias.

"Who, me? I'm Marco. Nice to meet you. Thanks for helping with Cassie. We don't want to miss the show though, we should get going." Marco said, throwing his arms over Cassie's and Tobias' shoulders, the two closest to his height, and trying to sidestep the detective.

"Is it Tobias?" Detective Smith asked, ignoring Marco entirely. "A friend of mine, Ed, told me that a friend of his discovered you were missing."

All six of them froze. Again with this? The guy was obviously a Controller. Which meant they were still interested in Tobias. And now he knew he was friends with Cassie. They all knew that meant it wouldn't be a big leap to the rest of them from her if they didn't play along.

"We looked into it. Your uncle lives here but he thought you were all the way in Rhode Island with an aunt. She thought you were with him here. I'm not going to arrest you or anything like that, but we really should go down to my office. We can talk. It'll be alright."

"Can it wait?" Tobias asked. Jake thought he was trying to look calm and not blank like normal. It wasn't working, he was definitely nervous.

Detective Smith frowned. "I don't think that's a good idea. It's really for the best if you come with me, Tobias. Running away isn't going to solve your problems. Your friends can come, the SUV is big enough." 

"We need to talk to our parents." Marco said, nudging Cassie. 

"Yea, we don't want them to worry." Cassie said. She didn't know what Marco was thinking but she knew enough to trust him on it.

"Good on you. We wouldn't want them to get worried." Smith said.

"I'll come with you." Rachel told Tobias. He nodded and she held his hand. 

Detective Smith looked at them and Rachel had to fight the urge not to glare. 

While he looked away, Jake mouthed a word to Marco. A quick nod was his response.

<I will not leave my shorm.> Ax told them in thought speak. Jake gave him a look. The one Ax knew without a doubt meant 'Do what you need to. That's an order'. 

"We can just show up, right? At the police station?" Marco asked.

"That's right. The chairs might be uncomfortable but there are places to wait. Just ask for me at the front desk if anyone gives you trouble. Again, no one's being arrested. No one is in any trouble. I'm just trying to help Tobias." Smith said.

Marco all but shoved Cassie and Jake around the corner and out of eyesight. 

Ax, Rachel, and Tobias were left standing next to the detective. 

"Do you two need to find your parents?" He asked them.

"They'll do it for us. We're not leaving Tobias." Rachel said.

Ax, who had yet to say a word out loud, remained silent. 

"Alright. Well, I'm not parked too far away. It won't take long to get the station. After we get there, there's a lot we have to do though. Fair warning." He told them. He led the way to his car but paid much more attention to them than where he was going. They weren't disappearing on him.

<What are we going to do about this? I can't do this. What if we both get trapped, Ax? I can't do that to you. I can't fight if I get adopted or go back to my uncle's.> Tobias panicked to the both of them. He couldn't go back to his uncle's. Ax and Rachel were with him, he wouldn't have to go back. He couldn't. He couldn't.

"It'll be ok, Tobias." Rachel said, squeezing his hand. She was nervous, maybe even scared, but she was going to do what she always did and shelve it to be strong for the rest of them. Especially for Tobias. There was nothing she wouldn't do for him.

<We have one hour and 48 minutes left in morph, Tobias. Your hours and minutes. Of course.> Ax told them. The joke fell flat.

<I know, I know. We just morphed back but he said its going to take a while and what if we can't morph back in time? What if we're surrounded by cops, most of which are probably Controllers, and have to demorph? We'd be blasted in seconds.>

<Even if we can morph without being spotted, what are we going to do? I can't be put in foster care and keep fighting. I need to keep fighting. I don't know what I'm going to do.> Tobias shuddered. His chest felt tight and it was getting hard for him to breathe.

"Hey, Tobias, look at me." Rachel said, turning him by the shoulders so he'd have no choice but to look up at her. "We'll work it out. You won't have to stop fighting if you don't want to. Yea, I know I say it might be nice. But it'll be your choice if you make it. We're strong, us three. We'll figure this out. Ok?" She hugged him as tight as she ever had and kissed him on the forehead before she let him go.

Tobias took a shaky breath. "Yea. Ok. It'll be ok."

It was not.

They'd been in Detective Smith's car for ten minutes. Ten minutes full of tense and uncomfortable silence. Silence broken by the detective. "It's ok to be nervous, Tobias. Living as a runaway is difficult but it can be difficult when you come back home to. A social worker will have some questions for you eventually but if things go well you could be back with your uncle sometime tonight."

Tobias could feel his face go white at the same time he puked in his mouth. It was gross and it stung but he managed to choke it back down. Just barely, but it worked. Going back to his uncle really wasn't a thought he wanted to focus on. He made a noncommittal noise for the detective.

<You cannot be expected to do that?! He was unfit to be raising you and I do not think he has changed since you left.> Ax said, indignant at the thought of his shorm doing such an awful thing.

<It's not like anyone knew, Ax.> Tobias said.

Rachel squeezed his hand with a white knuckled grip. It was hard enough to hurt but Tobias didn't say anything, it was the only thing she could do right now. He knew Rachel wanted to say something but she couldn't use thought speak without morphing and she wasn't going to try that with a cop in the front seat. By the clench of her jaw, he could tell it would be a lot of angry somethings about people not knowing. 

Tobias appreciated her anger. Really, he did. He avoided talking, or thinking, about his past for a lot of reasons but one that came up a lot was because people just...didn't believe him. So it was nice that not only did Rachel believe him but she got angry, furious even, on his behalf. But her anger wouldn't help right now, in the back of a car headed to a police station crawling with Controllers. They needed to keep cool, to keep their Andalite cover, as long as they could. And frankly, if either Ax or Rachel were going to maim or potentially kill the detective he hoped it would be Ax. To him, he was just an alien. But he was another human being for Rachel and Tobias didn't want that to weigh on her. He didn't want either of them to have to hurt him at all.

Although it was weird behavior for a Controller, helping what he thought was just a runaway, Tobias wasn't willing to say for sure that he wasn't one. Not after what happened with Visser Three only two weeks ago. He had thought, for a little bit, that Aria had been real. A real person who really wanted him who didn't have a yeerk in her head. But everything about it had been a lie. He'd been stupid to hope it would have been anything else.

It's not like it even mattered if the detective wasn't a Controller or not. Not really anyway. They were still headed to the police station where it would be hard to morph without being seen and if the others didn't call the Chee, or they just didn't show up, things were going to get very ugly. Very, very, fast.

Tobias hoped the Chee would show up. Hopefully one of the others had the foresight to ask for their help. But he was sure, even though they hadn't even made it to the police station yet, he wasn't going to let a Chee take his place. It was out of the question. Not because he wanted to go back, it was the worst thing he could think of doing, but because it was his uncle. It was his problem to deal with. His cross to bear. It would have to be him. If the worst thing happened and he had to go back at all. But that wasn't likely. Not really anyway. It was just him jumping to the worst case scenario. He hoped.

It said something that he was sure he'd be able to demorph and morph human fine at his uncle's. But it didn't touch on how awful his uncle was. It didn't come close. On a list of awful things he never wanted to go through, it was tied at first place with being a Controller or losing Rachel.

"So, um, you guys are awfully quiet." Detective Smith said.

"Yes." Ax said, looking at him briefly before focusing back on Tobias. This was a very human situation and he didn't know what to do or what to say. So he kept Tobias and Rachel informed of the time which he, if he was really human, might have said was passing by slowly. 

"Do you mind if I turn some music on?" The detective asked.

"It's your car." Rachel scoffed. Like music mattered at all right now.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Rachel." 

"Alright, Rachel. I know this seems scary, it's a big change from how Tobias has been living recently. But it's for the best. And I know at your age it seems like you can take care of yourself but you're thirteen. Tobias needs a responsible adult in his life. If it makes any of you feel any better, you could think of this as a late birthday present for Tobias. From, I don't know, the universe or whatever." 

Rachel snorted.

"I don't expect to change your mind any time soon but really, it'll be ok. It's for the best." Smith repeated, looking at the three of them through his rear view mirror. He turned on his radio and fiddled with it, smacking it at one point. "It's junk." Eventually, a song started to play.

Tobias recognized it from the start. No Surprises by Radiohead, a song off their newest album. The song was great and the album had a bunch of other songs that he really liked. Rachel, grudgingly, enjoyed some of it and even surprised him with the cd for his birthday. It helped him relax enough to rest his head on her shoulder. They'd find a way out of this. They had to. 

He just wished he believed it. Would he really be so lucky? 

If the Chee didn't show up or he and Ax couldn't find a place to demorph, they were either trapped as humans or they'd all be dead. If they did show up, he'd go back to his uncle. Running away again wasn't an option, the Yeerks would be all over his friends to try and find him. They'd try and make them Controllers. So he couldn't do that.

It's why they were in this stupid car to begin with. Detective Smith knew what his friends looked like so if he disappeared again, they'd be questioned. Maybe made into Controllers. And then it would be over and everything they'd done would have been wasted. So he couldn't run away. At least not until they figured out how he could do it without drawing attention to the rest of them.

"We're almost there." He told them after a few minutes with only the radio making any noise.

They all sat up. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen and they'd be ready for it. A minute later, they pulled into the police station parking lot.

<We have approximately one hour and 25 minutes left in morph.> Ax told them as the three of them climbed warily out of the SUV. He was ready to demorph and attack the second anything went wrong.

The police station was an ugly, grey, squat building. Besides the police cars parked in front and the words police station standing above the door, it looked like any other grimly designed office space. They went in with Detective Smith first, followed by Ax, and Rachel and Tobias went in hand and hand. As they walked, Rachel ran her thumb over his knuckles. More of a nervous tic than a comforting gesture.

Tobias thought that the police station looked a lot more like a hospital waiting room than whatever he had been expecting the inside of one to look like. The room they were in had seats off to one side, a tv and a vending machine in the same corner, muted colors, harsh lighting, a door that led inward, and a desk where a uniformed police officer sat doing paperwork instead of a nurse behind a window like on tv. He wasn't sure what an actual hospital looked like though he must have gone at least a few times when he was younger.

There were other differences that made it clear this was a police station and not a waiting room. For one, there was a mural of a police badge on the wall next to all the chairs with a banner in Latin. Secondly, there was a large map of the town and various wanted posters on a board next to it. The third and most obvious difference was what had to be the processing area for the cell next to it. Tobias had never seen it before but he knew that his uncle had been in there at least twice before.

There was an old man in it who looked up at them as they walked in but went back to sleeping.

"That's Jim. He's in here a lot. Don't end up up like Jim, kids." The detective said as he led them past the drunk tank, which is what Tobias' uncle called it. 

"You giving a tour, Rick?" The cop at the front desk laughed.

"Missing kid." He said, pointing his thumb at Tobias.

"Oh. I'll get the paperwork for you." The man said, more subdued as he start going through drawers.

"Thanks." He told him. "Either of you three want a drink or something from the vending machine?"

"No." Rachel said.

"Alright. Well, before Tobias and I go to my office for a bit, how's a good time to use the bathroom if you need it."

Maybe they didn't need the Chee after all.

"Yea." Tobias said. <A good time to demorph, Ax.>

<Yes, Tobias. We have one hour and 22 minutes left but it is best to be safe. Are there always so few police officers in their headquarters?> He asked.

<I don't know. There are probably more somewhere in the building but I guess most of them are out on patrol or something.> Tobias told him as they were led through the door and down a short hallway to the bathrooms. Rachel walked behind them, quiet and pensive.

"Alright, so I'm gonna go back to the front desk to grab paperwork and bring it to my office. It'll take me about five minutes and then I'll come back to bring you, Tobias, to my office. Your friends are going to have to wait in the lobby." Smith told them.

"Uh, that's not happening." Rachel said, crossing her arms in defiance.

"Uh, yes it is?"

"We didn't come all this way to leave him alone!" She snapped.

"Rachel, I know you must be scared but this is a police station. It's safe here." He said before he went back to the lobby. She almost laughed in his face.

Rachel scowled at the back of his head as he walked away instead. "Ax, morph flea and stay on Tobias. One of us should be in there."

"Rachel, the cop out front is going to notice that you're the only one out there." Tobias said. "We've gotta demorph, we don't have time for this."

Tobias followed Ax in and left Rachel standing outside the bathroom. They only had a few minutes and they couldn't afford to waste it arguing. Besides, he didn't want them to be alone if anything went down. And because he didn't want them in the room if the detective was going to ask about his uncle. It was bad enough they knew what they knew, they didn't need to know more.

Tobias helped Ax take off his clothes since it was quicker than letting him struggle in them, before he stripped himself. Technically they had plenty of time but he felt immensely relieved anyway when the feather pattern emerged on his skin and he began to shrink.

<Ax, I want you to stay with Rachel.> Tobias said after he was fully hawk again. 

<No. This is almost certainly another yeerk trap. I do not want to leave you alone.>

<Ax, please. I'll be able to deal long enough for you to get to me if you need to. We'll still be in thought speak range. Please.> Tobias implored. He didn't try to hide his emotions from Ax.

Slowly, the andalite nodded. <As you wish, Tobias. I don't want to do this but for you I will.>

<I know, Ax. Thank you.> Tobias said. Then the two of them began to morph human again.

"Hurry up, he just went to his office. He'll be here soon." Rachel said through the door.

<Thanks, Rachel.> Tobias said. He dressed Ax in a hurry and made sure he was presentable before he put his own clothes back on. They were outside for three seconds before Detective Smith came back.

"Sorry you guys, paperwork gets scattered all the time. It took Roy a few minutes to find everything."

"That's ok." Tobias said.

"It'll just be a few minutes, you two." Smith said. He waited for them to go back to the lobby. 

Rachel glared at him and didn't move.

"It's alright, Rachel." Tobias said, slipping his fingers into hers.

"It is so not, Tobias." She said, hotly.

"I should be able to ask all the important questions in ten minutes or so. If he's not back by then, you can come in guns blazing." Smith tried.

"Good." She said and turned to Tobias. "Are you sure you'll be ok, Tobias?"

"Yea. Thanks, Rachel. I'll be fine."

Rachel nodded. "You better be." With the most reluctance she had ever felt, she walked back to the lobby and away from Tobias. 

"So, how long have you two been dating?" Detective Smith asked Tobias as they walked to his office.

"A while." Tobias answered.

"Must be nice. What do you guys like to do? Go the mall, the movies? That kind of stuff?"

"Yea, sometimes." 

"Good for you two. Well, here we are." Smith said, opening a nondescript brown door. It looked like the other seven doors in the hallway. At the end of the hallway were desks with a few other police officers doing paperwork and. One of them nodded to the detective.

Tobias walked in slowly. Even though it looked like just a small office, he still wasn't ready to say this wasn't a trap.

"You can take a seat if you want, you don't have to stand." Smith said, sitting down on the edge of his desk. Unlike cops on tv or in books, his desk was neat and organized without a stray paper on it. He grabbed a clipboard and a pencil off his desk.

Tobias sat down in the chair in front of the detective. <So far so good, Ax.>

"So, most importantly, why where you missing? Did you run away?"

"I was unsatisfied with my home life." Tobias quipped.

The detective wrote that down. Then his brow furrowed and he squinted at it. "Are you quoting The Breakfast Club during an interview with a police officer?"

Tobias shrugged.

Detective Smith rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Look, Tobias, this is serious. You've been missing for months. It's important that you're honest with me. The quicker you are, the quicker you can get back home. Was it abuse? Because if it is, I can help you with that."

Tobias knew what he had to say. It didn't make it any easier though. "No. My uncle didn't hurt me." He lied. If he had told the truth it might lead to an investigation which is a lot of attention and the animorphs didn't need that. It's not like it would matter at this point anyway, he was a hawk more often than he was a boy.

"So, I've got a paper here that says you went to the vice principals office twelve times in the three months you went to the local middle school before running away. That have anything to do with it?"

Tobias had no idea if the truth would help or not. He stayed quiet.

"Tobias? Was that it? You needed to get away from bullies?"

Silence.

"C'mon, kid. It's important information to get you back in school." 

"School?" Tobias asked. He hadn't even thought of that.

The detective laughed. "Yea, school. You can't just go back to living with your uncle and be expected to skip school. It's kind of the law."

Tobias swallowed harshly. Hopefully this would be over too soon for him to go back to either. Learning was nice and he missed it but he couldn't be a reliable scout for the others if he was being confined to a single building for eight hours. And that was much more important to him than school could ever be.

"So, was it bullies? If you think it's going to be worse because you told the cops, that's not true."

Tobias was aware of three things. Firstly, that was entirely wrong and if he had ever done that before being trapped as a hawk it would've made everything worse. Secondly, that the police wouldn't do anything know and they wouldn't have done anything before. Thirdly, he had no idea how this situation was going to end quickly without drawing too much attention to his friends. And a fourth realization on the tailcoats of the third, he really wished he could just go back to his meadow and forget all of this.

"That...yea. If I'm going to go back to school and I give you names of people, it's not going to help. It would just be worse." Tobias said. That sounded like a believable reason.

"I promise I can help. Do you think you could give me some names so that I can help?" He asked, gently.

Tobias did. It's not like he'd actually be going back to school or anything. He gave him Andy and Tap-Tap, whose real name he didn't know, they punched him in the kidneys getting off the bus in the morning  and then in the stomach near the end of school after gym. Brandon and Micheal who gave him swirlies three times a week by the second week of school (until Jake scared them off but he left that out). And a gang of guys led by Jason who slammed his head against the lockers, tripped him down the stairs, called him every homophobic slur they could think of, told him to kill himself, and who frequently stole his stuff. 

Tobias didn't tell him that they did that because they knew how mad his uncle would get. Tobias didn't tell him that a thing Jason liked to do was get his guys to hold him down in the boy's bathroom so Jason could dig his nails into the fresh cigarette burns on his arms he got because he had his stuff stolen. And Tobias even left out the girls who tortured him in different ways. Not because he wanted to protect any of them but because he didn't think the detective would believe him.

And he still left out things like the daily stares, the whispers and the rumors, random people calling him names. And that was just in this school.

To his credit, or maybe the yeerk's in his brain, Detective Smith did not look happy. "I'm very sorry you went through that, Tobias. You didn't deserve that. I'm going to do my best to make sure they're properly punished."

"Thank you." Tobias said, surprised. It barely even mattered at this point but the sentiment was nice. Too late to do anything but nice nonetheless.

"Well, this is a bit awkward but according to this paperwork here, most of the questions I've thought I'd be asking you are actually for the social worker. Who I have yet to call, ok. So we might as well get you back to Rachel before she breaks down the door, huh?" He laughed.

He had no idea.

<It has been nine of your minutes, Tobias. Rachel and I wish to make sure that you do not need our help.> 

<It's alright, guys. I'm headed back now. All we can do now is wait for the others to show up. Or a social worker I guess.> Tobias told him as the detective lead him out of his office.

"So, we'll see what the social worker says but if they're happy and your uncle picks up the phone, you could probably be back in your old bed by the end of the night." 

Tobias kept his face as blank as possible. So they really did just have a few hours to get him out of this mess. For so many reasons, he couldn't go back. He didn't want to face that again. He wasn't sure if he could.

Rachel jumped out of her seat the second Tobias walked through the door and was at his side in an instant. "How are you? Are you ok?" She asked.

"I'm ok, Rachel." He said. He was also suddenly immensely tired and collapsed into the nearest seat.

Jake was the first of the other animorphs through the door, Cassie and Marco following right behind him. He banged the doors open with such force that Jim was so startled he fell off his bench. 

"Can I help you kids?" Roy asked. Tobias thought he looked a little worried but he couldn't say for sure.

"No thank you, we're here for our friend. Sorry officer, he doesn't know his own strength sometimes." Cassie said, looking appropriately apologetic for the noise.

Roy watched them huddle around Tobias before he went back to filling out paperwork.

"What's going on?" Jake asked with a whisper.

"We need to leave, soon." Tobias said.

"And what, have the cops come knocking on Cassie's door because you ran away again?" Marco asked.

"He didn't say that." Rachel snapped.

"We need to figure out a way for me to leave without attracting attention. As fast as possible." Tobias said, his face and voice as blank as he could get them. If he was lucky, they wouldn't ask why.

"Why? What's the matter?" Cassie asked. Of course she could tell.

"They want to put me back with my uncle." 

"No." Jake said, like him not wanting it enough could change anything. "The Chee will be here soon, maybe one of them will be willing to take your place."

"No." Tobias said. "They can't." 

"Why not?" Rachel asked.

"Because...they just can't." He didn't want to tell them that it was because his uncle would eventually try and hit a Chee hologramed as him and if he did he would go through the hologram and break his hand.

"I get having pride but 'they can't' is just stupid. What're you going to do, hide in your room all day as a bird?" Marco asked.

Tobias shrugged. 

"Why can't the Chee take your place, Tobias?" Cassie asked.

"Because..." Tobias took a shaky breath. "I'm not sure how their hologram would hold up."

"Against what? I saw it flicker when he got hit by a truck."

"People don't get close to them like my uncle would." Tobias choked out. "My uncle drinks a lot. He stumbles around and he's going to crash into the Chee eventually." 

"Uh, did you forget that they're super fast? They'd just dodge out of the way or grab him, it's not like they can't touch people without breaking the hologram." Marco said.

"I've got to be the one to do it. My uncle would be able to tell it wasn't me. It'll just be for one night, maybe a day. Right? I can handle that." Tobias insisted. 

"Then why not let the Chee do it?"

"I've got to do it." Tobias said, resolute.

They all looked at him funny but he didn't care. The Chee couldn't do it. Tobias had no idea what would happen to their hologram if his uncle tried to burn one of them with a cigarette or yank them by the hair. He could handle a few hours with his uncle. He'd spent months with him before. A few more hours wouldn't hurt. Maybe he'd be too drunk to be angry. That happened before.

"I've got to do it." He repeated.

"Are you sure?" Jake asked, looking him in the eye. Tobias had never told him what his uncle did but he had seen the burns and the bruises when he had saved him from Brandon and Michael. 

"Yes, Jake. I'm sure. I can handle it." He lied.

"Ok. But Ax is going as back up." 

"He can't come inside." 

"Tobias, that's ridiculous." Rachel said.

Tobias knew that if Ax came inside and his uncle laid a finger on him, Ax would be at his throat and the police investigation they were trying to avoid would be even bigger with a decapitation to solve.

"He's going or you're not." Jake said.

"Fine." Tobias relented. In private thought speak he said, <Ax, you have to promise me you'll stay in my bedroom. Don't ask, please just do it.> 

<I will refrain from questions for now.> Ax said, a clear emphasis on the now. Tobias would have to come up with something later.

<Yea, later.>

"Alright, well, now that we have that stupid idea out of the way, because it's very stupid Tobias, I still want to know how you could recognize a cop out of uniform." Marco said.

That was something he could explain. "My uncle gets drunk a lot. He's been in bar fights and stuff so he doesn't like cops and would point them out to me. At first I couldn't see why but eventually he started telling me what to look for."

"Sounds like a great guy." Marco rolled his eyes.

"It'll be fine. It's just for a night or two." Tobias hoped so anyway. He didn't know how long he'd be able to handle it.

"Yea. We'll figure it out. Don't worry." Rachel said. "And I'll stop by after school."

"It's still a stupid idea to just not let the Chee do it. But it's not like it's the pool or anything." Marco said, so quiet they could barely him. Marco knew, even whispering, it wasn't a good idea to say yeerk out loud.

It made sense for Marco to say that with what he knew, Tobias thought. After all, the Yeerk pool was hell. A violent, terrifying, fiery hell that still gave them all nightmares. Tobias wouldn't think to say it wasn't horrifying or that hell wasn't a good description because it was. But it wasn't the first time he'd been through hell. His first hell had been an evil of a different kind. A quiet, insidious, and invisible kind of hell. His first hell was his uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it, I would really appreciate a comment.


	2. Waiting

Tobias jerked up out of his seat, almost knocking it over in the process, and started towards the door leading further into the station.

"Where are you going?" Rachel asked.

<Bathroom.> Tobias told them all. Whether it was to cry, puke, or hit the wall he wasn't sure. He splashed water on his face when he made it to the bathroom. If one of the boys came in it might hide the fact that he was already crying. His thoughts were swirling around and giving him a headache. He wasn't going to have to go back to his uncle, they'd figure this out before then. Or they wouldn't and he'd have to go back.

But he could handle it, just stay in his room for a few sleepless hours and it would all be finished in the morning. Or his uncle wouldn't let him escape to his room and he'd be hit a few times if his uncle wasn't very drunk. Or his uncle might be so drunk and so, so angry, he might finally be violent enough to accidentally kill him.

Tobias was sure that, if his uncle was that drunk and that mad, it would take him at least five minutes to do it. Ax only needed two or so. And Ax was definitely faster than his uncle even when his uncle wasn't hammered. There'd be nothing he could say to prevent Ax from killing his uncle at that point though.

'You know,' Tobias heard a voice in the back of his head start up. It was a voice he hadn't heard since he'd become a nothlit. 'It would be so much easier to just let him die.'

The voice paused, letting the statement sink in, as the revulsion began to bubble up in Tobias' chest. 'Ax is our shorm, our tailblade,' The voice continued, exasperated, 'He can't abide to see you hurt. And neither can I. You need to fight back you cowardly fucking child.'

'No,' Tobias shot back, embarassed and worried about talking to himself again. The shame ran deep and hot, infinitely worse than even being with his uncle when he was drunk in public. 'Last I checked none of us had become David over night, we're not going to kill people just because we don't like them.' Tobias thought to himself as his anger and the voice's rage dulled his shame. 'I won't ruin Elfangor's memory like that. He gave us this power for a reason, and that isn't it.'

'You dare talk to me?' The voice began. Tobias could almost feel it snarl at him, could picture the hate filled expression that would be on any human face. 'You dare lecture me on what is right? On what we were given power to do? You were given power to escape, and now you have the power to return and end this. Cut through him, end his savagery on you, it's no different than Cassie putting down a wolf with rabies.'

Tobias shook inside his head, rubbing his temples slowly, the headache of it all building up behind his eyes. 'No, and that's final,' Tobias said, putting every ounce of his conviction into it. All the pressure on his mind seemed to disappear, as suddenly as it had appeared, as the voice faded. Sank, almost, in his mind.

He splashed more water on his face until his body was back to normal instead of distant and far away. 'I won't give into you,' he looked at himself in the mirror, breathing out through his nose and setting his resolve.

"Hey."

Jake was reflected in the mirror.

<Hey.> Tobias said. He didn't trust his voice just yet.

"We'll figure this out." Jake said.

"In a few hours at most?"

Jake was silent.

"I didn't think so." It wasn't an accusation, but an acceptance of the grim reality he now faced. He would have to stay with his uncle again. At least for a night.

"They're brainstorming right now. But it's complicated. The Chee could probably delete your file or something but that cop knows. And he knows where Cassie lives and he knows Rachel's and Marco's name and it wouldn't be hard to track them down. We're going to figure out if he's a Controller or not."

"Which would take three days at most."

Jake's reflection was grim. "I'll stop by later."

"You don't need to do that." Tobias said.

"I already know, Tobias. You know that. Do you think it will be bad?"

Tobias squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his palms into them. "It depends on how drunk he gets." Tobias whispered. Maybe if he said it quiet enough it would make it less bad.

Jake nodded. "Are you ok to head back?"

Tobias wiped his face with paper towel just to be sure his face wasn't wet anymore. "Yea."

"I know you don't want any of us to be there, that you think you're supposed to deal with this by yourself, but you don't have to. We'll all be there if you need or want us to." Jake told him.

"Yea. I know, Jake."

"I'm serious, Tobias." Jake said, putting his hand on the smaller boy's shoulder. "I really want you to know that. I'll be there all night if you want. Music, books, anything you need. I didn't like it before and I really, really don't like it now."

Tobias wasn't happy, there was no way he could be in this mess, but it meant a lot. If he was going to be spending more than one night back there then he might have to take Jake up on that. He nodded.

They headed back to their little corner of the station and sat back down. No one said a word. This time, Tobias was squeezed between Rachel and Jake, like if they sat close enough they'd be able to protect him from going back to his uncle. Tobias really wished they could. There was nothing he was looking forward to less than this.

The rest of the animorphs were talking about something but Tobias wasn't sure what it was. It was so hard to focus on anything but the thought of standing outside his uncle's house with his uncle gripping his shoulder so hard he left bruise marks, before he was shoved inside and the screaming and pain began again. It had happened once before but he was too tired to steel himself up for it. He was so, so, tired. He wished he could just go to sleep and ignore the impending horror for a little while but he was too tired to even try.

"..." Someone said.

"What?" Tobias asked, blinking slowly. It was like he was seeing everyone slowly appear in front of him from the ether. It took him a minute to see them all clearly.

"The social worker is here." Cassie told him in the voice she used tot all to the animals in her barn.

'The what?' He thought. 'Oh. Right.'

"Thanks." He said. It took him a second to see past the rest of the animorphs. There was a woman standing near the front desk who must have been the social worker. Slowly, because he really didn't want to go through with this, he walked up to her.

"You must be Tobias." She said, putting out her hand for a handshake.

"Yes, ma'am." He mumbled.

"Do you have an office we could use?" She asked Roy.

"Yea. The detective who brought him in cleared up a space for you. I'll bring you to it." Roy said, getting off his seat and opening the door for them. Tobias hadn't been able to see over the desk but standing there, it was obvious he had a prosthetic leg. Roy caught him staring. Staring was his default expression as a human but he didn't mean to seem rude. "You like that, kiddo? It's pretty neat."

He didn't wait for an answer before he started to walk. Tobias and the social worker, whose name he didn't have, were led into the office across the hall from the one he had just been in. She said thank you and closed the door behind her.

And dropped her hologram.

"Erek told me you would appreciate some help." The Chee in front of him said.

"Thank you. I do. Appreciate it." Tobias said.

"I would've been here sooner but I had to wait for the call. I'm sorry if it was distressing."

"No, it was fine." Tobias said. Most of the stress wouldn't have been anything she could have help with anyway.

"How can I help? Would you like one of us to take your place for a few days?" She asked.

"No." He shook his head. "I can do that." Maybe. If he was lucky. He had to even if he couldn't. "There's a detective, Richard Smith, who is part of the Missing Persons Unit. He knows who Cassie is and where she lives, Rachel's and Marco's name and what they look like, and he might have seen Jake. He's probably a Controller so they're all in danger if I disappear again. We need to come up with a way for me to disappear again without attracting yeerk or human police attention."

Tobias wouldn't need one of the Chee to help hide at his uncle's. It would bad when he got back, there was no way it wouldn't. It would be really bad. And it would be bad for however long he was there. But not consistently. Only for a few minutes when he didn't barricade himself in his bedroom. And he could just stay in his bedroom as a hawk. He was sure he wasn't in any danger of being trapped as a human while at his uncle's. Which was the only good thing about this mess.

"I think the animorphs and I can think of the actual plan. I just...do you know if my uncle is a Controller?"

The Chee hummed for a minute. "We have not seen him at any meetings of the Sharing or within the yeerk pool. He is not likely one, no."

One less problem to deal with. "Thank you. You know, actually, could you check if you've seen that detective to?" They weren't going to get out of this mess if he wasn't, they couldn't say for certain he wouldn't be taken soon enough, but it might be useful anyway.

The Chee hummed a second time. "We have not seen him either. But we have seen at least three of the men here in the yeerk pool or at a meeting of the Sharing, including officer Roy Martin."

"So the Yeerks are aware of this, that's just great. Thank you." Which did nothing good for his headache. Currently, the detective knew more than the Yeerks but it would take them all of five minutes to infest him and learn all he knew.

"You're welcome. We will of course provide all the aid that we can." The Chee said as she actually filled out the paperwork she had brought in. "This will be satisfactory."

"Ok." Tobias had no clue what those forms were for but he trusted the Chee enough.

"I will go talk to the detective and you can wait with your friends again." She had, her hologram back up.

Tobias nodded and followed her out of the room, leaving her to do her job so he could join the rest of the animorphs.

"How'd it go?" Rachel asked before he sat down.

"Fine." He said and dropped in his seat. Everyone looked at him, waiting for more. "We don't have to scout the detective. The Chee said they haven't seen him or my uncle where'd you'd expect. But they have seen the guy at the desk and a few others."

Marco shot him a quick apologetic look. Jake must have filled him in. Now they all knew.

Jake nodded. Tobias could tell he was already going over what that meant and what to do next.

Not for the first time, Tobias was glad he didn't have to.

"You know, two traps that are basically the same so soon is a bit much. Do they just think you're really pretty? Because, like, sure you're cute and you've got that whole hurt puppy vibe going on but come on. I'm right here and I'm gorgeous." Marco said.

Tobias stared at him. He didn't get Marco most of the time.

Rachel wrapped an arm over Tobias's shoulders. "I mean, Marco does have a point."

"Oh?" Cassie asked.

"Tobias is really pretty." Rachel explained.

Tobias wished he could control the blush that was spreading like he could his expressions. It was too bad he couldn't because his face was painfully red.

Rachel kissed Tobias' temple. "It's true."

Marco laughed, which earned him a glare from Rachel. The glare sent him the very clear message 'I'd punch you if you were closer but you're not so I'm glaring at you'.

"Thanks, Rachel." Tobias mumbled.

Tobias knew they were just trying to distract him but it was like trying to distract someone who had their head on a chopping block, way too impossible. He sighed. Maybe if it had been something, anything, less awful, they might have been able to help. But it wasn't and they couldn't.

His mood must have shown because Cassie scooched her chair closer and put her arm on his shoulder.

"We're going to get through this," Cassie said, looking at him but not making eye contact. Tobias appreciated that, he knew she knew he didn't like it. "You'll get through this. We've been through a lot since this all started." She paused to take a breath. The gory and brutal start of the animorphs was something none of them could ever hope to forget. "You can't let this break you. We're here to help make sure of it if you don't think you'll be able to handle it. But I think you can. You're strong, Tobias."

"Thanks, Cassie." Tobias said. He wasn't sure if his face was still red from Rachel or now from Cassie believing in him like that.

"Of course. It's like Elfangor said, right?"

"What?" He asked.

"You mentioned once that he said we're family now, didn't you?" She prompted, removing her hand from his shoulder. Tobias didn't think it was actually a question.

Had he ever told them that? He didn't remember doing that. It didn't actually feel like something he'd say. But he must have. "Uh, yea. He did say that." Elfangor had told him that the rest of the animorphs were his family now. After he had asked about his mother. It had been strange to him then. Tobias remembered thinking it was because Elfangor had missed his family. He would have never expected he was part of it.

Tobias knew he had to tell the others. They all had a right to know, it was important information. But he wasn't sure if he was even done crying about it yet. He'd morphed human two more times just to cry since he had the first time. He'd tell them soon. After this mess was over maybe. But he figured he should tell Ax tonight. It might give him a reason to leave so he wouldn't hear his uncle beat him.

He wasn't looking forward to either of those things.

Ax and he were shorms and he knew that Ax would come around eventually. But still. Elfangor was his older brother and even though Ax had grown use to a lot of things on Earth, Tobias wasn't honestly sure how he'd react to knowing Elfangor became a nothlit and had a human child. Had him. He was apprehensive, he didn't have a lot of experience with his friends being upset with him but he didn't take it very well. It always felt like he was getting punched in the gut. Even a disapproving look could make him squirm. Or, it would if he was human most of the time.

"We're here for you, Tobias." Cassie said.

"Thanks." He said. Tobias appreciated it, really he did. But this was his problem alone. It always had been. But at least this time he wouldn't have to shoulder it for as long as before. The good thing about the rest of the animorphs being there for him was that they'd help him figure a way out of this stupid mess.

He just hoped it would be soon. One night he could do no problem, even the next day. Maybe two if his uncle didn't drink much, which was a laughable concept if it wasn't so terrifying. But three days with the man was asking a lot of himself. He wasn't sure how he'd be by the end of a week. Hopefully he wouldn't have to find out.

Suddenly, the door leading further into the station swung open. They all turned their heads towards the movement. It was the detective. He waved even though he wasn't far away and came over.

"Hey, kids. How's it going?" He asked.

"Fine." Rachel snapped. Fear and anger were very closely linked and Tobias thought she was actually doing a great job at not showing much of either.

Detective Smith shook his head but didn't say anything against her. "Tobias, can I talk to you alone again?"

"About what?" He asked.

"I have a timeframe. I don't know if you want to hear it alone or with your friends."

"You can tell me here."

"Ok." He shrugged. "I was able to get in touch with your uncle while you were talking to Ms. Heathers. It's still early so he's at work. I guess they're in the middle of something important related to construction. Honestly, it's above my head. The gist is that he'll be here by about four or four thirty."

"What is his vocation?" Ax asked. He had been quiet, not even using thoughtspeak, and Tobias had no idea what was going through his head.

"He's a roofer." Tobias explained. "He helps build and maintain roofs with a crew for some company. Sometimes they use, like, tar or whatever. So that might be what they're doing now." He refrained from saying 'or he just doesn't want to deal with me' since the detective was still right there.

Ax nodded but went back to being silent. He definitely wasn't happy, Tobias could tell that much.

"What time is it now?" Cassie asked.

"It's, uh, 2:30." He said, checking his watch.

She nodded.

"I'll be in my office. You can come get me if you need anything." He said before he got up. He gave a few quarters to Jake before he left.

It was a good thing the police station was as empty as it was, the bathrooms were private enough for Tobias and Ax to morph without being seen or heard. When Tobias and Ax had twenty minutes left in morph, they went back to the bathroom to demorph.

Tobias locked the door behind them. It would give them a bit more time if they needed it. Just in case.

<I would like you to explain things to me, Tobias.> Ax said.

<Yea.>

Ax nodded and stepped into an empty stall.

"Do you want help?" Tobias asked from outside.

"Not at the moment, thank you." Ax said.

"Alright." He stepped into another stall and began to strip. Within moments, he could feel his lips begin to harden and jut out as they became the hawk's beak. Then he began to shrink as his bones scraped together and rearranged. Next, his organs gurgled as they shrank and shifted. They were done, hawk organs, before he was his regular size. His hearing improved dramatically as his human ears became hawk ears. The sounds of Ax demorphing to Andalite was something he could do without though. He watched through half hawk, half human eyes as his toes fused together and thickened then became the black blades of talons. Next, his vision became the infinitely superior hawk vision that he was used to. It was indescribably better than his lame human vision. But it wasn't his favorite part, he thought, as his arms became wings. Disgusting, fleshy wings without feathers yet. But wings. The feathers came quick then, popping out of his skin and covering most of his body.

He was safely a red tailed hawk once more. Surprisingly though, Ax hadn't asked him anything. Now would've been a great opportunity.

Tobias only stayed like that for a few seconds before he morphed back to his human self. Once he was fully human again, poor eyesight and lack of flight and all, he put his clothes back on and left the stall

"You good, Ax-man?" Tobias asked through the stall door. He could see human toes underneath the door.

"I could in fact use some assistance." Ax said before he opened the door. He had his shirt on right, and boxers which Tobias was grateful for, but his pants, socks, and shoes, were resting on the toilet seat.

"No problem." Tobias said. "Just hold your arms against the stall so you're a bit more balanced on one leg." Slightly more secure, he helped Ax put his pants back on. His socks and shoes were a lot easier. Slip ons were much easier for than anything with laces.

<Why didn't you ask me anything in there?> Tobias asked as they walked back.

<I am aware you don't wish me to. This is a despicable situation and I am angry with how your society treats children. I am waiting to ask when we are alone. I believe you will be more honest with less people around.>

<Yea, I guess so.> Tobias said.

<I do not judge you, my shorm.>

<I know, Ax. Thank you.> Tobias said as he held the door open for his shorm. They rejoined the others, Ax on one side of Jake and Tobias on the other, sandwiched between Rachel again. Cassie offered him a water bottle but he shook his head.

"There's about twenty minutes left until four." Rachel said as she took his hand in hers.

Tobias took a breath. It was much shakier than he wanted it to be. But now it was getting really, really, real. Twenty minutes, unless he was lucky, until his uncle showed up. Forty minutes until he was firmly back in hell.

'You know what's coming.' The voice said.

'Shut up.' Tobias said back.

'You're weak. You know you can't handle it.' The voice snarled. 'Now let the adult handle things and move aside. Before it gets messy.'

'No. I can handle it.' Tobias said.

'You need me to handle it, you know you do.'

'Go away! I can look after myself.'

Tobias didn't feel the same sinking away feeling from the voice that he had earlier but he stopped talking and it was good enough for now.

While he was talking to the voice, something he definitely wasn't going to mention to the rest of them, they had formed an even tighter circle around him. Consciously or not he wasn't sure but they had. Ax was now between Jake and Marco and Cassie was between Marco and Rachel.

Rachel twisted her hand in his, it made him aware just how hard he was holding it. Tobias let go.

"Sorry." He said.

Before she could say anything, Detective Smith came back out. But instead of heading to them, he went over to the drunk tank.

"It's fine. You have the right to be nervous. I'm here for you." Rachel said, putting her hand back in his.

"Thanks, Rachel."

She was cut off again by the sound of the old cell scraping against itself. The detective walked Jim over to the processing station and Tobias stopped paying attention. It wasn't important.

What was important was that there were only a few minutes left until his uncle got here. His uncle would walk in and they'd see each other. Just that thought was difficult after all this time. Sure, he had been through a lot of awful, horrible, things since then but it didn't negate the fear that coiled in his belly. He wished it would.

'It could go away if you're smart for once. Just let me take over and you won't be afraid anymore, you stupid boy.' The voice said.

'No. Go away. I've been afraid before and handled it without you. He's not even here yet.'

The voice stepped back but it was definitely still there. Waiting.

Jim walked towards the door as the detective walked over.

"Your uncle should be here in a few minutes. I got a call not long ago saying he was on his way." He said.

"Ok." Tobias said.

Not three minutes later, the door opened again and a man walked in. The man was broad shouldered and somewhere around six feet tall, much taller than Tobias' five foot two. He was tanned from working in the sun and had yet to change out of his work shirt, covered in patches of different stains. He had dark hair, dark eyes, and a hard set face which slipped, easy and natural, to mean and cruel.

Tobias felt his heart leap into his throat at the sight of him.

His uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I would appreciate it if you left a comment, they mean a lot.


	3. Alan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the reasons for the child abuse tag, this chapter contains a scene of physical abuse. It is harshly condemned by the writer in the strongest of terms.

His uncle.

Tobias felt like he was going to be sick as he stood up to face him. He couldn't hold back the shudder that ran through him as the man approached even with all the other animorphs standing by his side.

With a quick glance at least Rachel, Jake, and Ax were already ready to hurt his uncle for him. It was sort of nice if not practical.

"Hello, sir. You're John —, correct?"

"Yup." He said, gruff but a decent person kind of gruff. A persona, a mask to hide who he was underneath it.

"I'm Detective Richard Smith. We spoke on the phone. The detective said, offering his hand to shake.

"I need to sign anything for Toby?" His uncle asked, one hand by his side while the other gestured to his nephew.

Tobias flinched at the nickname. His uncle usually didn't use it but just about all of his bullies did. He really didn't like people calling him that though he couldn't say for certain if his uncle was aware of that and doing it on purpose or of he was just trying to seem nice with a cute nickname.

"Uh, yes, there are some papers you need to sign. We need to get him back to school soon but that'll be something for tomorrow."

"Can't do tomorrow."

"Are you sure? This is really important stuff, sir."

"You wanna take it up with my boss? They can't start without me. We'd lose a whole day's worth a work because we didn't get started early enough, you wanna do that?" He was gruff in a much less pleasant way now.

"Day after then?" The detective asked, looking somewhat pained at the complication.

"We'll see." Tobias' uncle said, the lack of interest in coming back to do anything almost painfully obvious to his nephew.

"Ok. Well, I have the necessary paperwork on my desk. If you'd follow me." He said, leading the way.

Tobias and his uncle made eye contact as he walked passed them. He saw it, just for a second. What was coming when they were alone in his house.

'Dont you see, you stupid boy? You need me! Let me end him!' The voice shouted again.

'No!' Tobias thought back, shaking his head in anger. They weren't going to kill him. In just a few days, he would never have to see him again and things could go back to normal.

"Are you alright, Tobias?" Cassie asked.

"I'm fine." He lied with a death grip on Rachel's hand.

"I swear, I'm going to beat the hell out of him." Rachel snarled.

"No you're not." Jake said.

"I should."

"You can't."

"It would be the right thing to do." She snapped back.

Tobias thought, idly, that it would've been a good moment for Marco to make a joke about how that was Cassie's line but he wasn't focused. Not on conversation anyway, he had his planning face on although Tobias wasn't sure what it was he was planning for.

All to soon, far, far, too soon, they came back.

"Everything's in order it looks like." Detective Smith said with a smile.

"Good." His uncle said.

He walked towards Tobias and didn't even stop to look at his friends even while Rachel and Jake stood between them. They were not so subtly dragged out of the way by Cassie and Maro. "Let's go home, Toby." He said, slapping his huge hand on his shoulder. It looked innocent and nice, maybe even paternal. It wasn't.

At the same time as Tobias felt his uncle's hand on his shoulder, he felt a sudden yank like someone had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and jerked him back. Once he regained his bearings, Tobias could see again. Except, it wasn't normal. He could see but it was through a window. There was everything going on outside but far away. Tobias felt almost like he was a Controller, able to see what was going on but stuck inside his head unable to do anything about it. He was terrified.

He saw but didn't hear Rachel talking to him and saw but didn't feel his hand brush against her cheek softly. 'I told you that I would handle this,' Tobias heard the voice say, in front of him for the first time he remembered instead of away in the back of his mind.

'No!' Tobias shouted, scared and angry. He turned towards the voice, something he could do now, and he wasn't looking at the window. Instead he was looking...in at something. He didn't have a word for it. Mindscape he figured was the best word. He saw a blurry figure, a man, standing in front of the window watching. No, looking. The man was looking through his eyes and moving his limbs. Tobias somehow knew the voice was from this man and he tried to move forward; he slammed into an invisible wall between him and the blurry shape of the man. It was difficult to tell but he might have looked like an older version of himself, which was bizarre. 'They're my friends, you have no part in this.'

'I have every part in this!' The man roared as he turned on Tobias, a rictus of hate and rage marring his face that left him looking more animal than human. "You won't handle this properly so I will! Just shut up and stay back there and once it's safe I'll end it for all of us, once and for all!"

Tobias looked away, focusing on what his body was doing instead of the nearly incomprehensible images in his head. It was easier than trying to figure out what the hell was going on or who that man was supposed to be. Some kind of mental projection or something was his best guess. He saw his hand squeezing Rachel's and the sudden urge to attack again was nearly overwhelming. It wasn't him! He saw the look on everyone's faces as they left. It looked like they might have said something comforting but he had no idea because he coudldn't hear them. They didn't leave quickly but they might as well have for all the good it did, seeing them but being unable to listen. He knew though thst no one wanted to go but no one could afford to stay either. It was late and they were probably already in trouble. He saw Jake take Ax by the arm and he knew Jake was taking him somewhere to morph. Ax would be in the air following him soon enough. That, at least, was good. That actually made sense.

The voice looked at his uncle's hand as it became a vice pressing against the soft skin of his shoulder. The pain of his uncle's grip was depressingly familiar. Tobias deeply wished he could join the others. Better yet, morph and fly away. He didn't know exactly how he felt the pain though with the separation between him and his body that was going on but he did.

Alan was stony and silent as he followed his uncle outside. Perhaps the man would think he was afraid, that he was a coward like Tobias. But he wasn't silent out of fear. It was rage. Rage so vast and powerful it clamped their mouth shut. He wanted so badly to shake off the grip that was so tight it was surely going to leave a bruise until his next morph. Alan desperately wanted to feel the body changing, to have blades or killers teeth. Anything to remove the disgusting hand from their shoulder. He pushed the urge down though, this was only his first chance and he wouldn't risk everything. He would have his control no matter what it took.

Alan sighed as they stepped outside, the air at least smelled the same as he remembered. It had been so long since he'd been in the driver's seat that everything just felt off. Wrong, actually. It was all wrong. The clothes were too soft and clean and not the threadbare rags he remembered. The burns on his arms had healed and those patches of dead skin that had been filled in by the morphing technology unnerved him almost more than anything else.

The scent of stale cigarette smoke and bud light hit him as soon as he opened the car door. This Alan felt familiar with. His uncle's bluff friendly veneer had fully fallen away and only angry silence remained. Alan was familiar with this as well.  The cold, cruel, rage was there for any to see that cared to look. But no one had, it was why Alan had to do it. He was the only one capable.

As his uncle pulled out the parking lot with the radio playing that infuriating western music, Alan closed his eyes and waited. Ax was sure to say something sooner or later. In about five minutes, much less time than he had expected, he heard it.

<Tobias, it is Aximili. Is anything the matter? You seemed different after you saw your uncle. I would like to make sure you're fine.>

Alan signed internally, channeling Tobias' tone and mental voice. <I'm fine ax man, I just don't know how to act around him.>

<I will trust you my shorm.> Ax replied, way too quickly. He was lying.

Alan could sense it, the confusion and absolute lack of trust from him. Fuck, he must not have gotten the voice right. Dammit. At least he stopped talking. He couldn't see the northern harrier that he knew Ax to be but he was sure he was flying somewhere above. Perhaps now he was wondering what was going on with his shorm. Alan was sure whatever it was he was thinking, he was wrong. He spent the rest of the twenty minute drive thinking about his plan. He could almost block out the cigarette and booze odor.

When the car finally pulled into the driveway, he had a solid plan in place. The end result was Tobias' problem. His uncle was dead as soon as they were inside.

His plan did not in the slightest involve Tobias shattering the barrier and breaking his control. He bellowed with unrestrained fury as he was cast back. But his rage was brief. As Tobias took back control of their body, he could see it. Tobias was tired, completely exhausted from the effort. He wouldn't have control back for long. Alan just had to wait a bit longer before he could make his move again.

Him being in control benefited all of them. Tobias would see that.

Tobias stepped out of his uncle's work van and set foot onto the driveway. Alan, the voice in his head, wanted to kill his uncle. That couldn't happen. The Yeerks were too focused on him to let that go. But while Tobias was glad to be in control of his body again, he was in no way happy that he was back here, standing outside his uncle's house.

"Get in there, ya fucking brat." He grunted as he opened the door and shoved Tobias inside. Tobias stumbled into the living room but righted himself before he could fall over. His uncle flicked the lights on.

The living room was the same as the last time he was here. His uncle's stupid police scanner was on already, he probably left it on all day now. There were at least five beer cans on the coffee table, empty or not he couldn't tell. The stupid, gross, couch was still there to, reeking of cigarettes and beer even worse than the rest of the room. Which was saying a lot because the room smelt awful, his uncle clearly hadn't cleaned up in a few days.

"Your damn cat's gone." His uncle said as he walke in. He didn't laugh when he said that but he was clearly happy about it.

"I figured." Tobias knew exactly what happened to Dude and where he was, Rachel was keeping good care of him now. His uncle didn't need to know that.

"You realize how much shit you put me through running away?" He asked as he turned on his nephew. "Cops ask a shit load a questions about a damn brat they never cared about before. Shoulda put you in foster care years ago. But no, you're fuckin' aunt wanted a kid. Til she realized you were all fucked up then she wouldn't stop complaining about how much she didn't want ya."

If Tobias wasn't so worried about the repercussions, he might have rolled his eyes. It wasn't really anything he had never heard before. But if he rolled his eyes, it would be his uncle's excuse to start hitting him and he was going to put it off for as long as possible. "Ok, uncle." He said, keeping his head down and his eyes on the carpet.

"Shut the fuck up. If you're gonna run away, you shoulda done me the damned favor of staying gone. Christ. Can't even run away right. You're fucking pathetic. No wonder you never had friends and kept getting the piss smacked outtaya."

"I have friends." Tobias defended.

"Ha! That stupid group of brats you were with, they're yer friends? Right, right. Bet ya got real good with that mouth a yours so they'd keep you around." He laughed.

"Shut up." An utterly stupid thing to say. The stupidest thing that had ever come out of his mouth. But his uncle was talking about the animorphs. Family, like Cassie and Elfangor, his dad, said they were. They weren't 'keeping him around' for sex stuff. His uncle had always been mean but never so...vile before. It was disgusting.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?!" His uncle shouted, the sound of it almost drowned out by the crack that followed.

The crack was the sound his hand made smacking against Tobias' cheek.

"Ack!" Tobias reeled, crashing into the wall behind him. He was lucky he didn't crack his head open on the plaster.

"You wanna say that crap again, you ungrateful little shit?!" His uncle yelled as he grabbed Tobias up by his shirt only to punch him in the gut.

"Ugh." Tobias spat out as he doubled over from the force. He was lucky he wasn't nauseous still or he'd be in even more trouble for puking all over his uncle. On shaking legs, he stood back up.

"You done?!" His uncle shouted, shoving his bruised shoulder which sent him back hard against the wall.

Tobias gritted his teeth against the pain. "I'm sorry, uncle. I didn't mean it. It was stupid."

"You're damn right it was stupid, you piece a shit! After everything I've done for you, I ain't gonna take your goddamn disrespect in my own fucking house! We clear?!" His uncle shouted, grabbing Tobias by the chin and shoving his head up and back into the wall so he was forced to look at him.

"Yes." Tobias said. It came out mumbled with the pressure of his uncle's hand.

"Are we clear!?"

"We're clear." Tobias said, louder and desperate.

"Good." His uncle said, letting his fall back. "Now get the fuck out of my face. And don't expect a goddamn meal from me either."

As pathetic as it was, Tobias eagerly ran away from him and pounded up the stairs back into his old room. His head was pounding, he couldn't see straight, he had a swollen lip, he felt what was probably blood on his shoulder from it probably being split open, and he had to either demorph before Ax could see or explain what happened. He was lucky his uncle had been sober. Tobias shut and locked the door behind him.

Alan saw his moment as the door locked and seized it. The boy would be too weak to explain what had happened. When he grabbed Tobias he didn't even bother putting him behind a wall, Tobias was exhausted and wouldn't be able to fight back.

Alan was assaulted by the pain as soon as he had full control of their body. It was pain he hadn't felt in years and was clearly debilitating for Tobias. Even through it, he stood taller and took up more space than Tobias ever had. He grimaced and threw off the uncomfortable clothes he was in; dredging up the required memory, he focused on the hawk dna inside of him. "Hello Aximili," Alan began before his mouth could change. "Still have questions?"

Ax's voice was shrill in his head. <Who are you and what have you done with Tobias?> At the same time Alan demorphed, so did Ax.

Alan scoffed, or would have had his mouth not been turning into a beak. <My name is Alan. I'm... you could say I'm Tobias' guardian angel. I haven't done anything but keep him safe, safe from being tortured by that bastard.>

<What happened?>

<What always happens when the boy's uncle is upset with him, he was beaten!> Alan snapped, rage boiling to the surface. <His uncle views him as an amazing punching bag. We're just lucky he didn't have a cigarette to burn our flesh with this time. I am a part of him as much as the dolphin or the hawk but, instead of the physical changes I am a mental change.> Alan wasn't stupid, he knew the only thing keeping the Andalite's tail blade away from his neck was that he didn't have one just yet.

<Humans do not have such a thing.>

By the time Alan was a hawk, he had the sharp blade of an Andalite tail at his throat.

<Speak the truth.>

Alan took a moment to try and cool his bubbling rage. It didn't work. <I am telling the truth you dull fool!> Alan snapped, looking at ax with the glaring eyes of the hawk. <I and the others like me inside of the boy work to keep him safe but, until recently we were unneeded because we have no place in your war. We are in place for his fight and his fight alone. I was born when his uncle would beat and burn him. He couldn't take it so he didn't have to. His brain, instead of trying to have him deal with it, took a piece of him, snapped it off and made it a different person.>

Alan paused for breath and considered morphing human, if only to get the blade from his throat. <From that I was created. He didn't have to be beaten, that was my job. The whipping boy. He could look at me and think 'I'm not being beaten, he is. Look at him, I'm safe. I don't have to feel it.' And so, I took the beatings for him, but now I can't even do that for his damned nobility. He knows I will kill the man.>

Ax stared in disbelief, stalk eyes wide. <You would kill for him, you who is not him?>

Alan wanted to shriek. <I am him! I'm just not the same as him. Imagine the Tobias you know, the one you call shorm. But then imagine that instead of his kindness and compassion, he was filled with rage. With an unending hate for abusers and ones that harm the weak. Imagine that Tobias has Rachel's temperament and Marco's cold calculation but only when he well and truly needs it. That's what I'm here for. He needed strength and I help him carry the load.>

<And the others you mentioned?>

Alan had to resist the urge to shrug in his hawk body, cocking his head to the side. <I would tell you if I knew, I am an outcast in the mental plane. They disagree wth my methods while I disagree with their weakness.>

Ax withdrew his tall blade. They were shorms but they had never had need to live up to the exact kind of trust that the word implies. But if Tobias was in there, he would know that Ax would never have hurt him. <What do you do now?>

Alan looked back into the empty area to see Tobias sitting up. <Now I go and you talk to the boy about what he should do.> He said, beginning to morph back to human. Once the morph was almost complete, their feathers in the process of receding into their skin, Alan shoved Tobias back into control.

Tobias stared at the half feathered hand at the end of a half feathered arm. He couldn't make sense of it. He blinked a few times and his hand was bare skin once more. He ran his hand over his formerly bloody shoulder. Of course, the skin was flawless and unbroken once more.

<Tobias?> Ax asked him.

"You can't tell anyone about that." Tobias said, as he put his clothes back on. When he sat down on his old bed, he told himself it wasn't because his legs were shaking.

<You called yourself Alan. That is not a Yeerk name and I do not believe you are a Controller. I am very confused, Tobias. And worried.> Ax said.

"Just ignore it." Tobias said, fear in every word. "I am. I either ignore it or it means I'm going totally nuts. I'm no good to anyone with that going on so it just isn't."

<That has not previously worked before when the others have tried to hide things, Tobias.> Ax pointed out. <I do not know what caused...that, but it might be best to tell the others.>

"I can't do that, Ax. I'll be...ugh, I'm already useless here. Can we just handle one crisis at a time, please?" Tobias asked. The inevitable crisis of telling Ax they were related was another one he didn't want to deal with either.

<Tobias, as Cassie said, the animorphs are like your family. I do not mean offense but, while not typical, they are indeed better than the family you have described.> Ax said.

"Shit." Tobias groaned, his resolve to deal with separate crisies at separate times flying out the window. "Elfangor...ugh. Ax, I need you to promise me something."

<What do you need, my shorm?> He asked. Tobias could tell he was trying to be as accomadating as possible while still wrapping around Alan. Ax could join his club.

"I need you to promise to not freak out. I've got to tell you what that letter said from the lawyer. I'm going to demorph before I do. I'm going to go hunt, it'll give us both space." Tobias said, taking his clothes off again and throwing them on the bed. It's not like he could really use it anymore anyway.

Ax looked at him quizzically but he nodded.

When Tobias was fully demorphed, he flew over to the window ledge. He wasn't going to think about how Ax got the window open. <You're not going to believe what I'm about to say but trust me, it's the truth. The reason Visser Three was so interested in me, that he went through all that trouble,> Tobias paused. The wound was still fresh and it made him furious that he had cared so much in the first place. Then there was, of course, the horrible fact that he had witnessed the father he had never known eaten alive. <The reason was that the letter was written by your brother. Elfangor.>

<What?> Ax asked, his stalk eyes raised and all four of his eyes wide open. <What does this letter have to do with you?>

<It involves the Ellimist. Elfangor was a solider, obviously. But something happened, I don't know what. Something he thought was terrible. He got tired of fighting, of the war. So he ran away. His words, not mine. 'I ran away. I went and hid among the people of Earth. Among humans...I wanted to make sure that you knew my disappearance from your life was not by my choice. I wanted nothing more than to live out my life, loving your mother and loving you as well.' There's more to it if you want the rest. He was my dad, Ax. My father.> Tobias was glad hawks couldn't cry. Though that fact did nothing to stop his thought speak from being clogged full of his unshed tears.

<Tell me all of it.> Ax pleaded.

So he did. Every word. It was ingrained in his brain, there was no way Tobias would forget them, or what Elfangor said at the construction site, as long as he lived.

<I believe->

<Yea, I know. You need time. I'm going hunting and my uncle is probably going to get drunk and pass out. So you can head back to your scoop for the night.>

Tobias didn't wait for Ax to respond. He'd deal with it later, hopefully tomorrow. It had been hours since he last ate and he needed to hunt.

He flew off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it.


	4. Distractions

One thing Tobias was grateful for was that it was easy to wake up as a hawk. He had always had trouble waking up in the morning as a kid. Not that he was a fan of waking up early as a hawk, though it did make catching breakfast easy enough. And especially not because it meant he didn't sleep as deeply as he would like but, he was mostly used to it now. Mostly.

He watched his uncle leave for work from his bedroom window. If the time hasn't changed, and it didn't seem like it did, he figured it was around 7:30 in the morning. The rest of the animorphs were at school at this point. Besides Ax of course. He still hadn't seen him since he left to catch supper last night. 

Long after his uncle had driven out of sight, Tobias still perched there. On one hand, he thought about flying over to Ax's scoop and see how he was dealing with the bomb he totally dropped. On the other, he figured he might need the space to digest the fact that his brother ran away from the war, became a nothlit, and became a father to a human child. On a third, metaphorical hand, on his tail actually, he figured he should fly by the school later to see how the others were doing or if they had come up with anything.

He frowned in his head. He'd have to bring clothes somehow if he was going to get an answer. Or at least, that would be the excuse that he used that might hold up for five seconds if he was lucky. Sure, he could ask someone in thought speak and they could write out a no or a yes but also, he was in some kind of mood and he realized they had never eaten lunch together before. Tobias landed on his floor and morphed. It was always totally disgusting, and he had just eaten, but it was also a great opportunity to eat some cereal and take a shower while he could.

Once he was human, hands were very necessary for both taking a shower and eating a bowl of cereal, he grabbed his clothes from yesterday. There wasn't any reason to wear the crap that had stayed in his drawers for months on end without being washed when these were clean enough. "Jeez, a shower. It's gotta be like a year since I've had one." He said to himself as he turned the water on.

The answer came to him as he was shampooing his hair. His stash of stuff to runaway with was untouched so he didn't have to use any of his uncle's stuff. That would've left him feeling skeevy all day even through a morph. Instead, he smelt like strawberries. Likely it wouldn't last after he demorphed though.

It was simple, he could just walk there. It wasn't that long really, he had most of the day to get there of he needed anyway, and Tobias was sure his walkman was somewhere in his room. If the Pansy Division cd in it still worked, he could just time himself with that. The entire thing was barely half an hour long.

After he dried off, he scarfed down a bowl of frosted flakes. It was almost too sugary and it was delicious. He cleaned his mess up since any mess of his would surely get him yelled at even though his uncle could trash the place. Tobias had a few hours to kill before he had to start walking to get to their school by when he thought lunch started so he tidied up the kitchen. It wasn't a fun task or one he wanted to do but if he didn't, his uncle might make it a reason to get angry and the less of those the better. He didn't think he'd be lucky enough to deal with his uncle sober all the time.

Tobias went back into his bedroom to demorph after he was done. He had almost an hour left but still, he didn't want to risk it. Once he was a hawk again, he flapped to his window and scanned his room for his old walkman. It took him all of five seconds to find it. It had ended up wedged between his desk and the wall. With his poor human vision, it would've taken him at least ten minutes he was sure of it. He pulled it out with his beak and, just to see if he could without hands, opened it. <Sweet.> 

He morphed human. The changes began as he focused, sprouting up in height. His beak slid into his face and became fleshy lips. Much softer than his beak, almost too soft even for humans. Boys at least. At least Rachel liked them. His organs sloshed around in his stomach and became human organs. Then his bones slid against each other as they changed shape and density. His wings became arms which ended in fingers and his talons became toes. His eyesight dimmed as his feathers melted into his skin. Seconds later, everything was in place and he was fully human. A naked one since there was no point in dealing with the morphing outfit if he was just going to put on other clothes anyway.

Tobias took a few seconds to look at himself in the mirror on the desk. His body was almost clunky. Definitely awkward. His face was all wrong. Not that there had been anything wrong with the morph, this was his regular human face he was looking at. He just didn't like it. His scowl was reflected back at him. Tobias turned away in frustration and got dressed. It was a better option than staring at his...parts. He didn't like looking at them or being naked. It felt creepy somehow, which was totally stupid.

Once he was fully dressed, Tobias picked up his walkman and put the earbuds in to make sure it worked. The opening seconds of Femme in a Black Leather Jacket were clear. "Cool." Tobias said aloud. In the past, Dude would've raised his head. He had always seemed to like the word cool for some reason. It had always made Tobias giggle. Dude was a good cat.

Tobias wasn't familiar with going to bars of any kind, let alone a gay bar like in the song, and he definitely didn't have any experience sleeping with anyone but he liked the song. He had always liked both boys and girls but figured that, if anyone ever, he'd end up dating a girl. Not that he was more attracted to girls but Tobias figured it would be easier to find a girlfriend, especially if they had ever wanted to go to his aunt's or uncle's house. Not that getting a girlfriend was even easy to imagine or high on his lists of things to do, since he never had any friends of any kind before the animorphs anyway. There had been Jake, sort of, but that was mostly him trailing after his crush like a loser than actual friendship on Jake's part. But that was before the mall.

Before his father crashed and gave them the morphing ability. Before he died.

"Great." Tobias sniffed, rubbing his eyes. He was crying again. Tobias needed to get out of his bedroom before he really started to focus on his feelings for things like his body or Jake or how having a boyfriend sounded very romantic even though he was happy with Rachel. He didn't want to think of what Rachel would think. Too late. She'd think he was a total creep or that he didn't like her a lot. But he did. Rachel was amazing and he wished he was less awkward so they could do more romantic stuff together.

"Ugh!" Tobias groaned and shook his head. "This is all stupid. I don't need any of this right now." He walked downstairs and checked the time on the stove. The clock on the stove read 9:45. "Ok, so it's 9:45. If I leave now and it doesn't take me too long to walk there I could be there a bit early. Maybe. Lunch is...11 something." He wasn't sure exactly when it was, he had barely paid attention to the time when he was in school to begin with. And it could have changed since then.

Listening to music and ignoring his brain seemed like the best option to him though. With that thought, he grabbed his walkman, threw some socks and shoes on and left. 

The walk to the school was surprisingly uncomplicated. There was a strip of trees, obviously not a forest even from the ground, where Tobias demorphed after he had been walking for an hour. It took him another play through of the cd, about 35 minutes altogether, to actually get to the school.

Tobias stood in what was definitely woods at the edge of the school. He was staring inside at a classroom which provided a glimpse of the hallways through the open door. The halls were empty and he didn't want to just walk in and be caught without some kind of explanation. But he was patient. Maybe five minutes later, clocks were too far to read with his lame human eyesight, the bell must have rung and students began packing their things. Tobias slipped inside and hoped no one would be around. Rachel's math class, the class she had before lunch if it was the right day, was just up ahead.

Rachel was the fifth student out followed immediatly by Cassie. The taller girl's eyebrows shot up but she clamped her mouth shut, it wasn't a good idea to draw attention to him. Yeerks could be anywhere. Thankfully, Jake appeared later down the hall. Tobias had no idea what class he had just been in. Cassie touched Jake's arm and Jake inclined his head to Tobias then towards the boys bathrooms. 

Tobias followed him in.

Jake locked the door and made sure it was empty. "What are you doing here? Do you want to be caught, Tobias?" Jake asked, pacing in frustration. Tobias didn't think it was quite that bad.

"I needed to-" Tobias tried to explain but his voice cracked. 

Jake being Jake, misinterpreted it. "Sorry. I guess you wouldn't want to be around your uncle's place. Why the school though? Why not go flying for a few hours or hang out with Ax like normal?"

"I can't today. Ax is...we had a sort of argument." Tobias lied. There hadn't been any arguing and Tobias wasn't sure if Ax was even upset but it was easier than the truth would be. At least it would hold Jake over for a while.

"Erek has lunch with us. Maybe he can project a hologram so Chapman doesn't find you." Jake said. "How long do you have in morph anyway?"

"An hour if I don't want to push it. I don't." Tobias said.

"Lunch is 45 minutes, you might as well demorph now. You're here, might as well eat with us." Jake said.

Jake blundered right to what Tobias was thinking. Tobias was glad he cared. He loved Jake. Tobias went into the nearest stall to strip and demorph before Jake could see his blush. 'Stupid brain. Not like that.' He said to himself. Once Tobias was human again and clothed, he walked out. Jake unlocked the door and held out his arm so Tobias could go first. 

He tried not to blush as he walked past. 'It's just a goofy fake romantic thing, he does it with Marco all the time. It's a friend thing.' Tobias explained to his out of nowhere crush that had apparently rekindled itself at the most incovienent of times. 'Yes, I know I can't honestly be sure if it is a friend thing since I don't have any former friends to compare it to. But still. Marco does that all the time, I am reading way too far into it.'

They made their way to the cafeteria with other kids just getting there. Erek and Marco, predictably, were amongst them. Rachel or Cassie must have told Marco to find him.

"Hey, stranger." Marco said. Tobias wasn't sure who he was talking to.

"I can put up a hologram when we all sit down." Erek told them, quietly as they entered the cafeteria. Marco and Jake joined other kids in line for food but Erek walked with Tobias towards an empty round table.

Suddenly, Tobias could see Erek's actual Chee body.

"So no one notices you before they get here." The android explained.

"Thanks for this." Tobias said.

"You're welcome. I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. May I ask you a question, brother hawk?" Erek asked.

"Uh, yea, shoot." Tobias said, slightly confused by the raise in formality.

"Why? It would've been perfectly easy for me to disappear for a few days. Kids themselves can forge doctor's notes, one of us is currently a practicing pediatrician. So, why subject yourself to your uncle?"

"Who-" Tobias asked, shocked.

"No one told me." Erek asked, interrupting him softly. "I have seen many things throughout my lifetime. Men like him are sadly not rare amongst humans. But without that experience, I can see that you force yourself not to flinch at the word."

"Why ask? If you've seen guys like him, probably worse guys than him, don't you know?" His voice wavered, unbidden memories of his uncle's drunken rage and violence coming to the surface.

"No. The experiences we have had with victims who survived is scarce and would not answer the question." Erek confessed. It wasn't like the death of their creators, the Pemalights, but Tobias could figure it out. They had to stand by.

"Sorry." They had a moment of silence before Tobias answered him. "If he kept missing, he'd get more and more angry. But if he hit you, I think he'd probably break his hand. That wouldn't help. And I wasn't sure if that would count as violent on your part. He..." Tobias paused, blinking away the tears the memory brought. "I didn't know what cigarettes would do to your hologram and I didn't want to risk exposing you and forcing you to figure out what to do with him." 

"I am sorry, Tobias." Erek said as Cassie and Rachel got close to their table with their food. The girls sat down, briefly confused before Erek dropped his hologram of Tobias and expanded it around them.

"So what brings you here, pretty boy?" Rachel asked, on the edge of flirty. Dangerously so. Tobias had no idea how to deal with that besides blushing at the compliment.

"Uh, I wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts about what to do." Tobias lied. He could practically hear her disbelief. 

"Uh huh." She said, moving so she was sitting right next to him. He had to move his walkman to his other side so it wasn't squished between their thighs. Rachel looked at Cassie. Cassie looked at Tobias with the way that she had, it made him uncomfortable. "So, what's up?" Rachel asked again.

"I was in a mood earlier. And, well, I do want to know if anyone thought of anything. But, also, obviously I mean, we never had lunch before as a group so this is an opportunity to do both." He admitted.

"That makes much more sense." Rachel said, grinning down at him.

Cassie ate her food and tried to repress a smile.

"I'm glad you're here though. It's cute." She said. "Oh, you smell nice."

"Thanks." 

"You're cute." 

"Thanks." Tobias said, now suitably embarrassed as the boys sat down.

"You're looking very handsome today, to." Marco said with a smirk as he elbowed his best friend.

"Thanks." Jake said, rolling his eyes.

"It's true." Tobias said even though he cursed himself while the words came out of his traitorous mouth. He blamed Jon Ginoli talking about liking boys. Especially the song Boyfriend Wanted. And he blamed Rachel for getting him flustered. But mostly he blamed his stupid crush coming back out of nowhere.

They both blushed.

"Thanks," Jake said. "Uh, you do to." Jake looked at him, down at his food, then back to him. Very un-Jake like.

A few minutes of relative silence went by as they ate.

"I'm sorry, Tobias." Cassie spoke up.

Her message was clear, no one had any ideas on how to get him out.

"It's fine." The hollowness of the lie was plain for all to see. Tobias' breathing quickened and he could feel himself get far away as memories of horror flashed by in his mind.

'You're pathetic.' Alan scoffed, standing behind Tobias in his mind's eye.

'Shut up.' Tobias said. He so didn't want to deal with himself going crazy right now.

'You're weak. You should've let me kill him. If I had, he wouldn't have beaten you. I can end this.' 

'Shut up!' Tobias shouted, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to force the image of Alan and that stupid, terrifying, window away.

"Tobias?" Cassie asked.

'Crap,' He thought to himself as he opened his eyes. He had forgotten where he was. "Sorry. I should go." Tobias said, standing up. He forced himself to stay still and not shake.

"Tobias, wait." Rachel said, getting up and grabbing his hand. Seconds passed in total silence, no one at the table even breathed. "We'll talk about something else. Marco likes some magic book you might like. Harry Potter and something something. He can talk about that. Or he can talk about Star Trek and you can nerd out over that. I don't want to see you miserable. You wanted to have lunch together because it's fun. C'mon."

Tobias heard what Rachel said but his brain filtered out most of it and what he heard didn't make a lot of sense. But Rachel's iron grip on his hand steadied the heart that was on the verge of bursting out of his chest. He took a couple deep breaths and let himself be led, the few inches he had walked, back to the table. Instead of his seat, Rachel prompted him to sit on her lap. Normally, he would've blushed at the overt display of affection but he was still too out of it to do that. With his brain still scrambled, it was just nice. She even wrapped her arms around him and still held his hand.

"Now, see, this is what I mean. Affection, romance, not mucking out stables with your not girlfriend. At least they go flying, that's actually cool. A bit repetitive but still, cool." Marco said. Tobias appreciated what he was doing, getting them all to ignore his minor freak out. If Jake's red ears and Cassie biting her lip were any indication, they were definitely distracted.

"I helped Gene Rodenburry and the others survive the plane crash." Erek offered.

"No freaking way." Marco gasped.

"Who's that?" Rachel asked.

Marco swore.

"He's the guy who made Star Trek. He survived a plane crash, he was a pilot or something before he went into tv, and it helped him think of Star Trek." Tobias supplied.

"Tell me everything." Marco told the Chee.  

The rest of their lunch period was filled with Erek's tale. Tobias didn't think he was as good a storyteller as Jara Hamee but he was still good enough to be thoroughly distracting. Even Rachel was interested.

"Would you like me to walk you out?" Erek asked Tobias as the bell signaling the end of lunch rang and he retracted his hologram so it was now just Tobias and himself in it again.

"Sure." Tobias said as he grabbed his walkman. "One second." 

He stood on his tiptoes and gave Rachel a kiss on the cheek, both of them became cherry red in a second. Marco laughed.

"Thanks." Rachel said, a great big smile on her face. 

"I'll see you later." Tobias said, putting on as natural a smile as he could.

With that done, Erek walked him into the woods.

"Thanks." Tobias said.

Erek waved it off as he retracted his hologram so Tobias saw the human he was disguised as again.

"Have a good day." Tobias offered. 

Erek looked quizzical then chuckled. "Thank you. I wish you the best day possible." He said. Instantly, he was gone. Probably back in class where he was supposed to be. 

On his walk back, Tobias wondered who was faster: the Chee or Superman. The Flash was faster than the speed of light so he was pretty sure Erek would lose. Unless it was possible to actually move faster than the speed of light and Erek could do that. Tobias was certain he wouldn't get a straight answer out of him if he asked though.

Once he was back in his room, he demorphed again. Even though he had done it just a few minutes ago, he didn't want to get the clothes dirty if he didn't have to. It was going to rain soon, in a couple days at the most, and he didn't want to ruin his walkman if it rained sooner than expected. As soon as he was able, Tobias hopped to his windowsill and flew off. It was time to talk to Ax.

Tobias found Ax by the river, likely finishing his lunch off with a drink.

<Hey.> He called out as he flew. It would give Ax a chance to pretend that he hadn't noticed him if he still needed time to deal.

<Tobias.> Ax acknowledged.

Tobias flew down to perch on a nearby tree. <So, uh, how's it been?> Tobias asked.

<You're nervous.> The Andalite stated.

<What gave it away?> Tobias asked, sarcastically.

<Your neck is slightly extended and your wings are not as close to your chest as when you are normally resting.>

<Sarcasm, Ax-man.> Tobias said as he drew his neck and wings back to normal. 

Ax eye smiled up at him.

<I suck at small talk. How're you dealing, Ax?> Tobias asked, nervousness making him blunt.

<I will admit, it was...troubling at first.> He paused. Tobias held his breath. <But we have seen and done much together, my shorm. Elfangor is not the proud image of an Andalite I had thought him to be. To be truthful, I am glad. He has proven to be better.>

<So->

<I am not quite done, Tobias. My apologies. You are aware Andalites have a keen sense of duty, to the People and to their families. I am positive that, knowing how it works, the Ellimist was only just truthful enough. I am positive that, had every fact been known to him, our lives would have been very different. I am positive that, had Elfangor been given a true choice, he would have abandoned the People again. I am positive that he would have chosen you and your mother.>

<I-> Tobias was silenced again by a raise of his hand. Ax must have been practicing.

<I am positive, Tobias, that he would have been the best of fathers according to both human and andalite custom. And I am very pleased to accept you as part of my family, Tobias.> 

<Thank you, Ax.> Tobias would've cried if he was human. He supposed he did what Andalites did- he cried on the inside. 

Eventually, he had to head back to his uncle's house. He told Ax he could stay behind, since Jake didn't say how long Ax was supposed to stay. But mostly, he just didn't want Ax seeing him like a victim again. Not Ax or the others. It had been hard enough not looking like one when he was just a kid, then he became a nothlit. They didn't need or want to be reminded over and over again that his life sucked. According to the car radio of a car that passed near his uncle's house, he had half an hour until his uncle got back. Probably a couple hours until one of the animorphs checked in on him.

So it was a surprise to see Jake sitting on his bed by the time he got to his window.

<Uh, hey.> Tobias said. <What's up?>

"I brought you some stuff." Jake said, reaching over the side of the bed to grab a shopping back. "Ten, a Pearl Jam cd that I figured you might like, a book version of The Wrath of Khan, and some chocolate covered pretzels." 

<Pretzels?> 

"Uh, yea. Chocolate covered."

<Right.> He said, landing on his floor. Once he morphed, Jake held out the bag. 

"Thanks." Tobias said. "Maybe later though. You should probably leave soon."

"Why?" Jake asked. He really could be totally clueless.

"My uncle will be back soon. He didn't use to barge in but he might now." Tobias paused, taking a breath to try and not dissociate again. "I don't really want to have to spell it out, Jake." His uncle had always slung homophobic insults at him, that and the creepy comments he made earlier and finding Jake in his bedroom would absolutely set him off. 

"Oh." Jake said. 

Tobias instantly stopped caring if Jake figured it out or not. The distinctive sound of his uncle getting back from work filled his ears- the clatter of the ladder on top of the van, the small pop as it hit the pothole near the driveway, the creak of the driver side door as it opened followed by the crash of it being slammed shut, his uncle cursing as he stumbled and dropped his keys. Tobias couldn't actually hear his uncle do that but if he had to bet, he'd bet on his uncle being drunk and angry from a long day of work. He'd always been angry and got drunk quickly after working with tar. Staring at Jake as his uncle made his way inside, he wanted to tell him to leave or to hide at least but he couldn't open his mouth. He could barely breath, barely move. 

Suddenly, he wasn't himself again. Tobias was staring out at Jake through the window again, looking out from his own body.

Alan had taken control.


	5. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short but it's only been a few days since I uploaded my last chapter. And I'm not even sure if people are reading this. There's a very graphic depiction of child abuse in this chapter.

Alan took a breath, breathing in the warm evening air that mixed with the stale cigarette smoke tinged air of his uncle's house. 

"If you're going to stay then you're going to want earplugs, handsome. Or just ignore the shouting, people do that in this neighborhood." Alan said. They would defend the body but that by no means meant he had to make Tobias's life comfortable while he did it.

"Are you feeling ok, Tobias?" Jake asked, looking at him like he had just sprouted another head. 

"Hey!" His uncle hollered from downstairs, angry already. "Get your good for nothing ass down here!"

Jake stared at Alan wide eyed as he started to walk towards the door. "What can I do?" He asked, following him to the door.

"Stay the fuck there, this is our fight. I'll handle it." Alan snapped, grabbing Jake and shoving him away from the door. "You'd only make things worse." He closed the door, hard but not hard enough for his uncle to hear. Alan wasn't going to get their body beat before he had the chance to morph.

'You can't kill him!' Tobias shouted.

'Shut the fuck up.' Alan bit back as he walked downstairs.

'You won't ever be able to be in control if you kill him and the yeerks infest you.'

'Shut up, coward.' Grudgingly, Alan had to admit to himself that the boy did have a point. Alan had no desire to lose control, not to Tobias and especially not to some alien slug. And unfortunately, every time he had tried to kill the man, Tobias always managed to take back control. Killing him immediately didn't seem like a good way to proceed if he wanted to keep control. He would do it eventually though- he'd make sure of his uncle died, it was the only thing he deserved.

"Why the fuck is the living room such a goddamn mess? You ain't doing shit, I should be able to come home to a clean fucking house! And you couldn't even take the goddamn trash out. Fucking useless." His uncle sneered from the couch, beer can in hand. "Throw this away, shit for brains."

His uncle threw his not quite empty beer at his face. 

Alan had time to move. He let it hit, smacking him in the cheek and splashing him in the face. It landed at his feet and spilled out on to the carpet.

"Ha!" His uncle taunted. "Serves you right. Now pick it the fuck up. Then clean the goddamn carpet."

"No." Alan told him, his previously white hot rage giving way to a calm fury. The thought of butchering him slowly helped manage the desire to try and morph hork-bajir and gut him right then and there.

'What are you doing?!' Tobias whined. 'He's going to be worse!'

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" His uncle asked, venomously. 

'Say you're sorry, you idiot!' 

'No.' Tobias spoke up again but Alan ignored him, he had more important things to do.

"I said no. Clean up after yourself, you fucking drunk." 

'What are you doing?!'

'Be quiet.'

"You son of a bitch, don't you disrespect me!" He shouted, stomping over to tower over him. "You must wanna get beat, talking to me like that. I told you, you little shit. Pick. It. The. Fuck. Up. The only reason I ain't beating your ass right now is because I ain't drunk enough to enjoy it." 

"Well, if you're going to grab another beer like the drunk you are, you might as well be the adult you're supposed to be and pick up after yourself for once." Alan spat.

His uncle swung at him. If he had been Tobias, he would've been too scared to move, too terrified to think of defending himself for fear of the repercussions. But he wasn't. His uncle's jaw dropped. Tobias had never once tried to physically defend himself.

"We'll see how cocky you are when you're bawling your eyes out like a sissy after I get through with ya!" He snapped and slapped Alan upside the head with his free hand. He followed it by punching him in the gut, slamming his fist up into his ribs.

"Ugh." Alan coughed. But he was stronger than Tobias. He stood back up and glared up at the man. "You can try but you won't break me."

"I sure as fuck will! I hope my bitch sister rots for leaving your goddamn disrespectful ass with me." He shouted and cuffed him again.

"You're pathetic." Alan said. It earned him a backhanded slap which knocked him off his feet and onto the couch.

"ENOUGH!" The man roared, stomping over and yanking Alan by the hair so hard he pulled a clump out of his head. "THIS IS ON YOU!" He let Alan go and tossed his head into the couch. His uncle grabbed a cigarette and lighter from the coffee table and glared down at his nephew. "You brought this on your fucking self." 

"You're pathetic." Alan repeated, glaring up at him. He could take the pain.

His uncle lit the cigarette, took a drag, and breathed it all in Alan's face. Then he yanked Alan's arm straight and dug the burning cigarette into his flesh. And then he did it again. And again.

"What happened?" Jake demanded as Alan walked in. He let out a horrified gasp as he looked at him. He'd thought the screaming had been bad.

One of his eyes was a dark, glossy purple, closed shut it was so puffed up and bruised. Jake thought there might even have been blood in the cornea, a sign of serious medical issues if they didn't have the morphing ability. One of his cheeks were bright red and his bottom lip was split, gross and puffy though not as bad as his eye, and bleeding. Where a clump of unruly blonde hair should have been, there was a patch of slick, crimson, blood instead. The most horrifying thing Jake saw were the series of awful cigarette burns on one of his arms- bright, angry, red circles. He'd seen a lot of awful things since the war started, so much that if all of that had been sustained during battle he wouldn't have blinked. But it wasn't during battle, it was the disgusting cruelty of one normal man.

"I told you, handsome. Earplugs." Alan said, grimacing from the effort it took to talk. As soon as he closed the door he began to demorph, all the injuries healed by the mystery of the morphing technology.

"We need to get you out right now." Jake said, green like he was about to be sick. Disgusted at himself for allowing Tobias to go back to that. "I'm so sorry, Tobias. I know you wanted me to stay here but I should've done something, anything. You...that...that shouldn't have happened."

<Don't be stupid.> Alan scoffed. <If you had shown up, he would've beaten the body even worse. None of us want that.>

"What are you talking about, Tobias? Are you ok?"

<I'm not Tobias, you stupid child. My name is Alan. In terms you might understand, I play offense when Tobias can't. I'm not a yeerk or an alien. I'm a part of Tobias, the strong part of Tobias. I fight our war, I don't care about yours.>

"Your- oh. So, like, what? Are you saying you have multiple personality disorder or something? I thought they made that up for that movie."

<I'm not Tobias, you and I don't have this conversation. You and I don't need to speak.>

"Well, uh, can I talk to Tobias? How's that work?"

<No.>

"Why not?" 

<Tobias can't come to the phone right now.>

"I want to talk to Tobias." Jake demanded.

<I don't want Tobias in control so you're shit out of luck.> Alan scoffed. <Maybe you can talk tomorrow. Maybe not.> Alan flapped to the window, shook the wings he'd never used before, and left Jake standing in Tobias' bedroom. He was Tobias' problem, not his.

Alan had five minutes of peace, five minutes to enjoy the wonder of riding a thermal and flying, before he was interrupted.

'Where are you even going?' Tobias asked. 

Alan looked back to find Tobias sitting, as a human, on his perch in his meadow. 'Of course this is what you choose.' Alan said. The weak one was likely somewhere in the woods spending time with the children. Even though the hawk was flying close by and Elfangor's ship was in the meadow with Tobias, Alan didn't think he noticed either. There were others but, like the children and the weakling, Alan had no idea where they were.

'What?' Tobias asked, exasperated.

Out of the sky above, a peregrine falcon flew into view. <Land. Now.> Jake threatened. The threat was clear, the peregrine falcon could dive at speeds of over 200 miles per hour and he wasn't afraid to show him how much that would hurt.

<Again, busy.> Alan retorted. He had no time for children, he could feel Tobias was getting ready to try and take back control.

'Not anymore you're not, this is important.' Tobias said. It had been long enough that Tobias was feeling stable enough, strong enough, to move. So he did. From the branch he imagined himself on he moved to instantly stand behind Alan. There was no barrier this time which made it even easier for Tobias to grab and shove Alan back in the mindscape. He wasn't sure how he did it but he managed to put Alan under a tree, not under his tree but under one nearby. With Alan out of the way, Tobias stepped forward and took control of his body once again.

Tobias' wings wobbled from the switch but he adjusted himself before he crashed into Jake. <It's me, Jake. It's me again.>

<We need to talk.>

<Yea.> Tobias was absolutely not looking forward to doing that. The two of them circled back to his meadow to talk. Alan had flown in the opposite direction but where he had wanted to go, Tobias had no idea and he wasn't inclined to ask him what he had planned, if anything, either.

After they talked, Jake gave him an hour to get Rachel and Ax. They were having a meeting tonight.

"Wait, wait, you're telling me that you've got freakin' multiple personality disorder and we're only just finding this out now?" Marco asked, looking up at Tobias.

Rachel stared as well but said nothing. In fact, she had been eerily silent as they flew over, Tobias was painfully aware that she wasn't happy with him for not telling her he thought he was losing it.

<I don't know!> Tobias repeated for the millionth time. He'd just finished being interrogated by Jake, questioned by Cassie, and stared at by Rachel and Ax and he was out of patience. Less than two hours ago, his body had just been beaten by his uncle and he wasn't even in control of it so to say he was frazzled would be the understatement of the century. <I don't know! I don't know what's going on, it's been months since I heard a voice or my body went weird because apparently someone else in my head took it over. I figured it just...went away or something. But now apparently that voice has a name, a face, takes over my body, and happens to want to kill my uncle.>

"That last one isn't a problem." Rachel muttered.

<I didn't want to worry you, Rachel. I didn't even want to think about it. It's freaking me out just talking about it right now.> Tobias told her privately.

She rolled her eyes and gave him a look. Even without using thought speak the message was clear. It said: You already told me that, I get that, I'm not angry at you but I'm pissed anyway.

"This says that it's actually called dissociative identity disorder. They changed the name." Cassie said, looking through a book that Jake had borrowed from his dad.

"Is that an encyclopedia, Cassie?" Ax asked in human morph. It was only a little past six, the meeting had to be delayed for the normally human animorph's respective dinners, and Walter could still walk in the barn.

"Sort of. It's a diagnostic manual for mental illness and stuff. Jake's dad is a doctor so he has one." Cassie said.

"We don't need any of your crap about disabled people now, Ax." Marco said.

"Tobias is my shorm." Ax frowned.

"Oh so suddenly your opinion's changed?"

"I have thought about the issue deeply."

"You just found out, can't have been that deep."

"I have been thinking about the treatment of vecols for some time. I communicated with one of Tobias' personality states last night. It calls itself Alan." Ax said.

Rachel's frown deepened. Tobias knew she was upset to be one of the last to know and maybe she was a little scared about the whole thing which would make her even angrier.

'I'm not an it.' Alan spoke up for the first time since Tobias took back control.

Tobias ignored him like Alan had done to him.

'Tell him! I'm not an it. The stupid alien is already arrogant enough, he doesn't get to call me an it.'

'I'm going to look nuts if I tell them. I sound nuts talking to you.'

'You're already nuts, dumbass. Tell them.' He said, angry.

Tobias sighed internally. <Alan wants me to tell you that he isn't an it. He's angry about it.>

"Who cares what he thinks? He's some dude you made up or something." Marco said.

"It's not like that." Cassie said with a frown. She had just read the section on dissociative identity disorder. And from the little Jake had told her...it was chilling.

<I didn't make him up. I don't want him bugging me either. It's not like he's some imaginary friend or something.> Tobias told him.

"You don't need to be an ass just because you're on your period." Rachel said.

"Alan and any other personality states Tobias has aren't something he came up with for fun, Marco. They're individuals that came about due to trauma from years of abuse. They can be different ages, heights, genders, there's even a piece of paper Jake's dad put in here that says there are cases of one state having better vision or speaking a totally different language and maybe even not being allergic to stuff the host is allergic to." Cassie explained.

<Really?> Tobias asked. Cassie rotated the book so that he could read it for himself. <That's kind of cool. I don't think Alan is like that but still. And I think he's the only one I have.>

"I mean, I'm not an expert or anything, Tobias, but according to this it's likely you do. The lowest recorded number is two." Cassie said. "But you could just have Alan."

<Oh.> Tobias said. He didn't know how he felt about that. Alan was bad enough, he wasn't sure how well he could deal with more.

"What are we doing about his uncle?" Rachel asked.

"He can't go back." Jake said. "You can't, Tobias." He was still so rattled by what he had seen he barely had the time to acknowledge, let alone focus on, the fact that Alan apparently thought he was cute or something.

"That cop's so gonna notice if he runs away again." Marco said. "You've got that appointment or whatever soon, about enrolling back in school. I don't know if that cop's going to need you there or anything. But it would be a huge red flag if you're supposed to be there and you're a no show."

"There were months between...what happened and this. I doubt his uncle would care if he disappeared for a few more days." Rachel said.

"Unless the Chee are wrong and he's a Controller." Marco said.

"Can you ask him to stay over a friends house?" Cassie asked.

<Before, I would've said he would be ok with it no problem. But I'm not so sure now.> Tobias said.

"Tobias, you need to leave. We need to figure out how to get you out right now. Tonight." Jake said. "We're not leaving until we figure it out." 

"You have an aunt right, Tobias?" Cassie asked.

<Yea?>

"I fail to see how that would benefit Tobias." Ax said.

"Yea, we're not sending him away. What are you talking about, Cassie?" Rachel asked.

"We don't need to. If Tobias can say that he wants to live with his aunt, Ax or maybe the Chee can just do something with the phones so his aunt doesn't need to answer. Then the Chee can just monitor her phone or something. I don't know how that would work exactly." Cassie said.

<That...sounds like it could work, actually.> Tobias said.

"I'm sorry I couldn't think of it before. I forgot you had an aunt."

<It's fine, there's at least a plan now. It might not work but it's better than nothing.>

"I want you to stay with Ax tonight." Jake told Tobias. "It's not a suggestion."

<Ok.> Tobias had no interest in staying there for longer than he needed to anyway. 

"We're good." Jake said, ending the meeting with two words.

Marco got up but before he could get far, Rachel cornered him to give him some ibuprofen. "Take these, moron."

"Thanks." Marco said. To her disgust, he swallowed both dry. He gave her a quick wave of thanks before he morphed osprey again. Once the morph was complete, he flew off. 

Ax left next after Tobias told him he didn't need to wait up. Then Cassie walked Jake outside, Tobias figured down to the edge of her property so Jake could catch the next bus. 

<I need to talk to you, Rachel.> Tobias said to the other blonde, who was officially lingering.

"Ok." 

<It's about the lawyer.>


	6. Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so short. I haven't had a lot of inspiration writing wise besides short fics and I wanted to post something before the end of the year.

The warm air of an early morning thermal lifted him high off the ground, higher and higher until he was almost a mile up. He had just eaten an easy breakfast and was itching to really spread his wings. Ax was on his morning run and the rest of the animorphs were in school which allowed Tobias to enjoy the solitude and try to get the thoughts of his uncle and the future meeting with the detective out of his head.

'Hello.'

If he hadn't just rode a thermal almost a mile into the sky he would've crashed into a tree. Tobias scanned the sky for any of his friends and since he didn't see any of them it meant no one was there and certainly not in thought speak range. He groaned as it came to him, the voice wasn't in his head like thought speak it was in his head like Alan. 'Good grief, what do you want?' He snapped.

'I'm not Alan.' The voice said.

'Oh.' Tobias said. 'I guess you're the other one of the two then.'

'No. They're still in the woods.'

'Ok, how many are there then?'

'I don't know. I've only met two of them.'

'Who are you?' Tobias said, mentally rolling his eyes.

'Elfangor.'

Anger flared up in his chest. 'You're who?'

'Elfangor. I wanted to make sure you were ok.'

Tobias wanted to scream. He wanted to cry again. Of course he would hear his dad say that not before he died but after his brain spazzed and made some kind of weird copy of him. Just great.

'No! I'm not ok. My uncle beat the heck out of me because Alan is an idiot and now I've got to spend time with him and he's probably still upset and he'll be more upset when he sees that I'm not hurt anymore and i'm hoping this plan that Cassie came up with works but with the way my week's been going its not going to happen.' Tobias ranted.  
  
'May I?' The Elfangor in his head asked.

'May you what?' Tobias asked, turning around in his mind. The spaceship Elfangor had crashed in was in his meadow. It hadn't been there yesterday. Elfangor was standing there, tall and regal. Tobias would've started crying a while ago if he had been human but the sight would've made his tears worse for sure.

Even though it wasn't his actual father and they were in his head, Tobias found himself holding his breath as the phantom Elfangor placed a hand on his shoulder. Tobias let him take control.

He found himself sitting on Elfangor's back with the window in front of them. Tobias could tell, he would be able to take back control of his body as soon as he wanted to. There wouldn't be a struggle like with Alan. For now Tobias was content with watching. He could feel it from him, a sense of purpose. Commitment to the task at hand. Whatever that task was.

Tobias watched the woods go by as his body flew, it didn't take long for him to realize they were headed to Ax's scoop. 'What're you doing?' Tobias asked. Unlike last night he wasn't panicking, just curious. Tobias could see Ax heading back to his scoop as they flew but, at his pace, they would make it there first.

'Helping.' He said as he flew down and landed on a perch inside Ax's scoop, the one that the andalite had been kind enough to set up for his shorm.

<Aximili, I wish to speak with you.> Elfangor said.

<You may.> The andalite responded. <Which of Tobias' personality states am I talking to?>

<A new one.>

<What do you wish to speak about?>

<Loren.>

'What about my mom?' Tobias demanded. This Elfangor couldn't possibly know something about his mom, he wasn't the actual Elfangor, not his dad.

<Who is that?> Ax asked.

<Tobias' mother. She is alive.>

-

"That's fantastic, Tobias." Cassie said.

<Maybe.> Tobias didn't have the energy to hide how he felt. Or didn't feel. He wasn't even sure if he was feeling a lot or nothing at all. He definitely had a lot of questions. Millions of questions. Literally, he could spend days doung nothing but asking them. The one that he had struggled with the longest though, forever, was simple. Why? For a while he thought he had gotten past it but the feelings or lack of feelings, Tobias was beginning to think he was cycling through both, were back in full force.

Telling the rest of them had been important but Ax had ended up doing most of the talking. They'd been in Cassie's barn for an hour and he might have said ten words. 'I've got something to say...it's about my mom.' And 'Maybe.'. Ten words exactly.

"What're you going to do about it?" Marco asked from his hay bale, pragmatic as usual.

Tobias preened his feather to give him time to answer. No one gave him any grief for not saying anything even though he could do it and thought speak at the same time. <Find her I guess.> He said, flatly.

"If she's nearby?" He questioned.

'Cry. Beg her to tell me why she hasn't even sent a postcard or called or sent an email. Why she wasn't there when I needed her to be. Cry again.' He thought. He thought he might go in to shock. Maybe he already was. <I don't know.> He didn't even know if he could face her. Had she actually abandoned him to his aunt and uncle? He still wanted to think there was a reason but he couldn't think of one, could never think of one, that really held up. Even with his default, witness protection, he was sure that if she cared about him she would find a way to give him a message. Maybe she just didn't care like his aunt said. 'Nutty as a fruitcake and didn't want nothing to do with her own son.' She used to say. A lot. Maybe she was in an institution or something but even then, a letter didn't seem impossible.

"What if she's a Controller?" Marco asked.

"Would you just shut the fuck up, Marco?" Rachel paused in her pacing to shout at him. "Do you really want me to say it?"

"It's an important question." Marco said. But he didn't ask it again.

Tobias knew that Marco didn't want Rachel to compare their situations. Tobias didn't want her to either. There were some pretty big differences after all but, he might be feeling what Marco felt. He had thought about it, how he would feel in Marco's shoes, when they had all found out about his mom but being in that kind of situation was different. Not actually that different though because whenever he really thought about his mom the feelings were the same. At least Elfangor had a good reason, Tobias at least knew that Elfangor wanted him. And Tobias could blame the Ellimist when he felt vindictive.

He wasn't sure if he could blame the Ellimist for his mom leaving. But who knew, maybe he'd get the chance. With the way his life had been going the idea wasn't that far fetched.

<I've got to go.> Tobias said. Without waiting for anyone to say anything, and ignoring Rachel telling him to wait, he flew off. He needed to find a quiet place to morph human and cry, just like he had about his father. His life kind of sucked.

Tobias knew he couldn't go to his meadow if he didn't want someone to find him. Before he could decide if that's what he wanted, to be found or not, Rachel found him in the sky.

<We'll find her, Tobias.> She told him, seemingly even more confident than normal as an eagle. At least to Tobias.

With his rapid cycling moods he thought he might believe her for the moment. Or if not believe, he leaned into her confidence. Tobias needed to ask her questions. He yearned for answers, desire so hot he was afraid he'd explode. Too much desire and rage and sorrow for his hawk body to contain. Way, way, too much. It took him five minutes to be able to concentrate enough to morph his human self on the ground beneath his perch.

Tobias had cried in front of people before and it was always met with something bad. He cried in front of his uncle and he was yelled at for being pathetic which made the tears worse. He cried in front of his aunt and was yelled at for being difficult. He cried in front of bullies which made the beatings worse. Tobias had learned to stop crying years ago and he never cried in front of the animorphs. Had only started crying again when he found out what the Ellimist had done. Part of his dad's letter echoed in his head: "I wanted to make sure that you knew my disappearance from your life was not by my choice. I wanted nothing more than to live out my life, loving your mother and loving you as well."

Tobias was sobbing as soon as he was human, blubbering hot tears that stained his face and made it red and blotchy. "Rachel-" He croaked and was quickly enveloped in long blonde hair and strong arms. Humans were messy and he could feel his tears and snot soak in to her leotard. "Ss-" Tobias tried to stop sobbing enough to say he was sorry but his tongue was heavy in his mouth and he couldn't make it work well enough to speak.

"I'm here, Tobias. I'm here. It'll be ok." Rachel spoke in a voice that might have helped if Tobias wasn't so absolutely, horribly, full of emotions.

"It won't! He left and died and she just left!" Tobias sobbed into her shoulder, broken even worse than the days he tried to kill himself or three weeks ago when that letter was read to him. Broken and miserable and destroyed and it all came out in a never ending stream of hot tears and sobs.

"I know. I know, Tobias. I know." Rachel said through her own, silent, tears. She had only seen her boyfriend like this on the night Elfangor died. On the night they were introduced to war. "My dad left to."

They both crashed to the ground as they collapsed under the weight of years worth of hurt, anger, and sorrow. In a tangle of limbs, Tobias ended up in her lap and Rachel ended up knocking her chin against the top of his head.

"Fuck!" Rachel hissed and rubbed her cheek to try and soothe the teeth she clacked together. Then she started to laugh. She laughed and laughed and laughed until she thought her sides were going to split and she started to cry from laughter instead of pain.

Tobias was far from laughing at anything but Rachel's laughter helped soothe him. He thought she had a very nice laugh. Her laughter was like a dock; all his emotions about his parents were still there, like a deep lake or something. He was still close to it, right above it, but he wasn't drowning in them. Tobias rubbed at his eyes to try to get his face to feel like a face instead of a puddle. He hadn't realized your face could hurt just from crying but his hurt a lot. Or maybe he had known and he'd forgotten.

Minutes passed where they said nothing with only the woods surrounding them making any noise at all. "We'll find her, Tobias." Rachel said, gently, her chin on his shoulder.

He sighed. "What if she's a Controller?" He hoped, no, he knew she wasn't. He wasn't sure why but he was sure she wasn't. Still, they needed a plan if he was wrong.

"Then...I don't know. We'll stake her out and find out. Once we figure out if she's even nearby. I don't know what will happen but I do know that we'll deal with it when we get there."

"Thanks, Rachel."

"It'll be ok."


End file.
